The Balki System

Well, it's been one hell of a ride but the 1st regular season of the Balki System is all but over. We've had our ups and downs, but Larry and Balki have managed to come out on top most weeks. Even when they let their Russian counterparts have a crack it and last week let Jennifer and Maryann give their take on it. Balki and Larry's ladies went 8 and 8 but this week for Week 17 Balki and Larry are retaking the reigns before they ride off into the sunset on the 2006 NFL Season. The following was overheard at the offices of The Balki System this week.

Balki: Oh cosin Larry, I so happy we bet on football together. I had so much fun.

Larry: Yeah Balki, we really made a difference to those compulsive gamblers all across the country.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we did!

Larry: I don't know what I'm going to do without football betting until next September.

Balki: Maybe we can go to Mypos and bet on the goat herding competition.

Larry: Y'know Balki, a trip to Mypos isn't a bad idea, but lets leave the betting for next season.

Balki: I can't wait to tell Jennifer and Maryann we're going to Mypos together.

Larry: Balki, you're not going to tell them anything, I want to surprise them. Let's pack their bags, and blindfold them until they get off the plain.

Balki: Cosin, don't be ridiculos the trip to Mypos will take 22 hours.

Larry: Fine then we'll unblindfold them on the plane and we'll do the mile high dance of joy, if you know what I mean.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we will.

END SCENE

Week 17 Picks

Game 1
Giants at Redskins
Redskins are apparently Indians and the only thing that comes to mind is that 10 little indians song where they all just disappear one by one and they weren't even dealing with Giants.

Pick: Giants

Game 2
Panthers at Saints
The Panthers travel down to the House of the Saints but without opposable thumbs they can't open the doors.

Pick: Saints

Game 3
Browns at Texans
Brown is a color that is identified with a lot of the natural landscape of Texas. However, the Texans are used to that so they don't let it bother them.

Pick: Texans

Game 4
Lions at Cowboys
The Cowboys may be good at roping steer but a Lion ain't no moo cow.

Pick: Lions

Game 5
Jaguars at Chiefs
Jaguars can outrun the Chief and he can bite.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 6
Patriots at Titans
Everywhere the Patriots go in America they love just as much as the last place.

Pick: Patriots

Game 7
Raiders at Jets
The Raiders can try to invade the Jets territory but they most likely don't have the firepower to match the Jets throttle

Pick: Jets

Game 8
Steelers at Bengals'
The Blue Collar Steelers are quite out of place out in the jungle, for the Bengal tigers there's no place like home.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Seahawks at Buccaneers
The Seahawks are just looking for fish while the Bucs are looking forward to pillaging and drinking rum.

Picks: Bucs

Game 10
Rams at Vikings
It's a mightly clash when these Norsemen meet up with the these horned sheep but I think I'll go with Vikings.

Picks: Vikings

Game 11
Falcons at Eagles
Eagles have homenest advantage and they stand for America.

Pick: Eagles

Game 12
Ravens at Bills
I got nothing.

Pick: Ravens

Game 13
Dolphins at Colts
Once again, Dolphins on dry land...not happening.

Pick: Colts

Game 14
Cardinals at Chargers
Many a Cardinal has been electrocuted while sitting on a power line.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
49ers at Broncos
The 49ers rode them horses out west during the gold rush so they know how to ride 'em

Pick: 49ers

Game 16
Packers at Bears
Nothing the Packers could Pack could prepare them for entering the bear's den.

Pick: Bears

Alright, that's week 17. I totally mailed it in for the last week. Good luck to you and your teams. I hope they're in the playoffs but if not there's always next year. Special thanks to Axel Foley, Omarossa, Melanie Griffith, Andrei, Ivan, Jennifer, Maryann and everyone else who helped make the Balki System such a non success.

WEEK 17 RESULTS
8-8

SEASON
139-101

So without further ado, Week 16 in the NFL picks based on uniforms.

Game 1
Vikings at Packers
The Vikings someone pull off the Purple Uniforms whereas the Green G inside the center of the Yellow Helmet just looks plain ugly and outdated.

Pick: Vikings

Game 2
Chiefs at Raiders
Red looks okay on the Chiefs but all girls like bad boys which is what the Silver and Black make the Raiders out to be.

Pick: Raiders

Game 3
Ravens at Steelers
The Ravens copied the Vikings with their color purple. It's the equivalent of wearing the same dress to a party. Luckily they're both not playing on Sunday. The Steelers are simple with the 3 diamond things on their helmet. Though I'm not quite sure what they are, Ladies like the diamonds.

Pick: Steelers

Game 4
Panthers at Falcons
The Panthers wear teal which hasn't been cool since the mid 90's. It's just an awful color.

Pick: Falcons

Game 5
Bears at Lions
The Bears outfits are like the business suits of uniforms. They are plain, simple, and classy. The Orange C is like a nice tie. The lions with their Silver and Blue just look silly.

Pick: Bears

Game 6
Colts at Texans
The horseshoe is a nice lucky charm. A red white and blue bull helmet doesn't really do anything for me.

Pick: Colts

Game 7
Patriots at Jaguars
I don't like either of these teams uniforms. There's too many colors going on with the Patriots. The Red, White, Blue, and Silver should just be red white and blue. Instead of just being the Patriots they're flashy patriots. The Jaguars have the misfortune of having a teal-like color which is an automatic disqualification.

Pick: Patriots

Game 8
Saints at Giants
The Copper shine of the saints helmets is blinding. The Giants uniforms are simple and fashionable and could have just as easily been fashionable in the 1950's and the 21st Century.

Pick: Giants

Game 9
Bucs at Browns
The Browns look like dog poop in the back yard when they run around the football field in their brown uniforms. Nobody should want to look like poop.

Pick: Bucs

Game 10
Titans at Bills
The titans have two tones of Blue that don't look at all together.

Pick: Bills

Game 11
Redskins at Rams
The Redskins uniforms are racist and the Rams have those cool hypnotizing swirly blue and yellow patterned helmets. That's fun.

Pick: Rams

Game 12
Cardinals at 49ers
The Cardinals have a cute bird on the helmet. The 49ers just have the letters SF. How creative is that?

Pick: Cardinals

Game 13
Bengals at Broncos
The Bengals helmets remind me of Zubazz pants. That was a bad trend.

Pick: Broncos

Game 14
Chargers at Seahawks
I think the Seahawks helmet has some ugly bird with some weird grayish blue color. The Chargers have a lightning bolt. That's kind of excitement.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
Eagles at Cowboys
The Cowboys helmets look like sheriffs badge. Law enforcement = power. Chicks dig powerful men and helmets.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 16
Jets at Dolphins
The Dolphins helmet is just a dolphin jumping through a hoop. It's condoning the exploitation of animals for monetary purposes. That is just plain wrong. I'm calling PETA.

Pick: Jets

Last Week
11-5

Season
131-93

Just incase you didn't read the tabloids, Balki dumped Omarossa and Melanie Griffith is back with Antonio Banderas after a brief fling with Larry Appleton. Luckily for them, Jennifer and Maryann are understanding girlfriends and knew that the new girlfriends were just a result of money going to the cousins' heads. Balki and Larry were quite successful last week, so the fact they finished 10-6 last week and continue to rake in the dough didn't hurt the girls' decision to take them back. The boys have plenty of money and they've decided to hitch their hearts to the girls that knew them before all the fame and fortune.

The following was overheard at the offices of the Balki System this week:

Balki: Oh cosin Lari. I so happy we decide to go back with the girls. I could do the dance of joy right now!

Larry: Save that for city hall after the ceremony. By the way Balki...that suit you're wearing is ridiculous.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous...This is traditional Myposian wedding garb.

Larry: Once Maryann sees you in that get up she'll run right out of city hall.

Balki: Well, before we get her to city hall we have to propose first.

Larry: Right, well here's the plan. We go over their apartment in our wedding outfits. We'll propose. They'll say yes, and then we'll go to City Hall and get married in a spontaneous manner.

Balki: What if they say no?

Larry: Do you really think they can resist this spontaneous plan?

Balki: Oh cosin Lari don't be ridiculos...of course it will work. But there is one thing we have to do beforehand.

Larry: What's that?

Balki: We must make our picks for week 15 there's a game this Thursday.

Larry: You know what, you're right. Maybe we are rushing into this. Let's stop for a second, take a deep breath, make our picks and we'll save the spontaneous thing for after the football season when we can plan it better. Are you in?

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka.

END SCENE

Alright, time for Week 15 picks...we're winding down the regular season.

Game 1
49ers at Seahawks
There's no gold in them thar hills for the 49ers but there is a lot of rain.

Pick: Seahawks

Game 2
Cowboys at Falcons
The Falcons are a fast bird but the Cowboys can rely on the speed of their horse and guns to keep the falcons at bay.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 3
Browns at Ravens
The Ravens used to be Browns and the Browns used to be nothing. The Ravens evolved. So until the Browns turn into the Ravens they'll just be Browns.

Pick: Ravens

Game 4
Lions at Packers
The Lions wandered onto the Packers loading dock which to say the least is a peculiar sight in Wisconsin. There's a reason that Lions are kings of the Jungle and not the frozen tundra.

Pick: Packers

Game 5
Texans at Patriots
This one's tough because they're very similar opponents. In the grand scheme of things this is "Don't Mess With Texas" vs. "America, Fuck Yeah!". Texas is encompassed in the latter so I say the Patriots have got more of a backing.

Pick: Patriots

Game 6
Dolphins at Bills
Dolphins belong in the Water, not in Buffalo.

Pick: Bills

Game 7
Steelers at Panthers
The Blue Collar Steelers want to put food on the table for their families but while visiting the Panthers they are the food on the table.

Pick: Panthers

Game 8
Bucs at Bears
The Pirates come to pillage the bear den unfortunately, Mr. Grizzly doesn't start hibernating for another week. Plus there's not much in the way of booty to pillage.

Pick: Bears

Game 9
Redskins at Saints
If the Native Americans are going to visit the holy christian man in his house of worship than I think the Holy Christian man has already won.

Pick:Saints

Game 10
Broncos at Cardinals
I suppose the Bucking Bronco can kick a tree so hard that the cardinal and his nest fall out of their home. That would be sad but just because it's sad doesn't mean it can't happen. Nature is cruel.

Pick: Broncos

Game 11
Eagles at Giants
The majestic Eagle flies to the top of the beanstalk and sits pridefully perched atop. The towering Giant looks down and decides that Fried Eagle would make a nice substitute for the Fried Chicken his wife forgot to make.

Pick: Giants

Game 12
Rams at Raiders
The Rams rush into Oakland's home head first and knock that door right down. What happens after...well you'll just have to read the line below where I make my pick.

Pick: Rams

Game 13
Jaguars at Titans
The mythical giants are starting to show that perhaps they're not an old Greek or Roman Wives tale and Jaguars don't exist on Mt. Olympus or wherever the damn Titans were clashing.

Pick: Titans

Game 14
Jets at Vikings
The Vikings use a antiquated attack by sea method wheras the Jets are part of a technologically advanced air strike that can be an unexpected surprise.

Pick: Jets

Game 15
Chiefs at Chargers
The Chief prays for rain and considers lightning and thunder a sign from the gods. For the Chargers, they bring the lightning alright, just consider them gods.

Pick: Chargers

Game 16
Bengals at Colts
I'll take the bengal tiger over a horsey any time. Call me crazy but that's just me. I mean did you see what those things did to Siegfriend and Roy...or was it just Siegfried? Or maybe it was just Roy.

Pick: Bengals

Alright well there you have it...The picks for Week 15. Let's hope this one is as fruitful as the last for Balki and Larry and good luck to you and your teams.

Week 14
10-6

Season
120-88

We’ve made it 14 weeks into the NFL Season and despite our early struggles it looks like the Balki System is passing muster. Sure, we had our trying times. There was one point in the season that we thought we were going to have to go on the lam from our bookie. We even went to a secret log cabin hideaway for a few days. We held out and things blew over and now we’ve hit the big time of Pigskin Prediction.

Yes, even the well known Prognosticators have bowed their heads in reverence to the Balki System. The Balki System has even managed to get Balki and Larry new celebrity girlfriends. That’s right they ditched those sorry asses Jennifer and Maryann and they’ve been seen around town with the likes of Omarossa and Melanie Griffith (amongst others) respectively. They even brought them into the offices to take a look at their operation.

The following conversation was overheard at the Balki System offices this week:

Larry: So ladies, this is where the magic happens

MG: In the hallway?

Larry: I was talking about the entire office.

MG: My magic happens usually in the bed…or a hat….with Antonio Banderas.

OMS: So how much money do you guys rake in? I’m sure I could come in and make this a ship shape operation.

Balki: Don’t be ridiculos Omarossa? You no have to do work. Larry and I make business but we bring winnings home to you and treat you nice.

OMS: That’s not good enough for me. I want to see paperwork, stat. I need to see what kind of operation your running. I’m going to turn this place upside down.

Larry: You just wait a second Omarossa. Balki and I started this. It’s our business.

OMS: You need what every business needs.

Balki: What’s that?

OMS: A bitch runnin’ it.

Larry: You have got to dump her Balki.

OMS: You bet your bibby bobka.

END SCENE

Alright onto the Week 14 picks:

Game 1
Browns at Steelers
Men of Steel vs. Men of Brown.

Pick: Steelers

Game 2
Falcons at Buccaneers
The falcons are a fast bird. The Buccaneers are pirates. Pirates enjoy have the Birds on their shoulders and in general...or at least until one of them decides to peck on of their eyes out, forcing them to wear one of them thar patches.

Pick: Falcons

Game 3
Ravens at Chiefs
The Ravens hang around the reservation to feast on the meat that the Chiefs people leaves behind. That is to say, the Chief gets all the choice pickins.

Pick: Chiefs

Game 4
Colts at Jaguars
Colts are pretty damn fast, Jaguars are pretty damn fast. Jaguars bite.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 5
Giants at Panthers
No matter how placid the Giant is when he comes down the beanstalk most things run away or run the risk of getting stomped on. I suppose Panthers are no different unless there's a bunch of crazy military planes shooting at the Giant as well.

Pick: Giants

Game 6
Vikings at Lions
The Vikings never managed to conquer any land in Africa and it's a good thing because I have a feeling the king of the Jungle wouldn't have taken too kindly to their presence.

Pick: Lions

Game 7
Patriots at Dolphins
The Patriots don't stand a chance if the Dolphins are swimming in international waters. There's just nothing there worth fighting for.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 8
Raiders at Bengals
Normally when the Raiders invade other territories they pillage people not a bunch of hulking angry cats. Runawaaaaaaay....Runawaaaaay!

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Eagles at Redskins
The white man has taken all of the tribes land but that does not mean the tribe has lost dominion with nature in his own home.

Pick: Redskins

Game 10
Titans at Texans
The Texans are in Texas. Home is where the heart is and as the old adage goes "Don't Mess With Texas".

Pick: Texans

Game 11
Packers at 49ers
I hear San Francisco is nice this year. Not too warm, not too cold. The Packers are prepared as they packed a nice autumn sweater and their helmets for hitting.

Pick: Packers

Game 12
Seahawks at Cardinals
In the matchup of the week one bird takes on another bird. However, the Cardinals don't have to leave their nest if they don't want to. They totally stored up enough food for 3 hours of harassment.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 13
Bills at Jets
A bunch of Bills drove 6 hours down to New York and they are exhausted. They could've flown but the Jets wouldn't let them.

Pick: Jets

Game 14
Broncos at Chargers
The Broncos are basically running into a power line this weekend, and if you remember anything your mother told you, she most certainly told you to stay away from power lines.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
Saints at Cowboys
There are two types of people in this world, Saints and Cowboys. The Cowboys don't belong in a church and the Saints down belong on the trail. Git along little Catholic.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 16
Bears at Rams
I think every animal is fundamentally afraid of Bears.

Pick: Bears

Alright folks there you have it. The Balki System for Week 14 of the NFL season. Larry and Balki and Omarossa and Melanie Griffith wish you and your teams the best of luck.

Week 13 10-6 Season 110-82