The Balki System

Balki has outdone himself once again...sure this week he just barely squeaked out a winning record but nonetheless three straight weeks with a winning record is nothing to shake a sheep at. People from around the world are checking in with the Balki System after the string of upsets he predicted last week. Who else predicted that the Bucs, Vikings, Packers, Bengals and Giants would all win last week. You'd be hard pressed to find an expert who could lay claim to such clairvoyance.

Psychic abilities aside...Larry is so confident about Balki's method that he's thinking of making Balki teach his method in a class at the Learning Annex. Teaching offers aside, Balki would rather just go on a picnic with MaryAnn, he doesn't see what all the hubbub is about.

The Following was overheard at the Balki System offices:

Balki: Cosin' Larry, I go on picnic with MaryAnn today.

Larry: No, Balki, you can't. We've gotta pitch your system as a class to the learning annex.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous. I only teach the system for you so we make maney and we share our weenings with the girls. I don't want to make a quick buck off some sad sheep.

Larry: Balki, we can take this thing far. You can get people following your method and we could write a book and get totally rich.

Balki: Cosin' I think you are letting this money go to your head...

Larry: Listen Balki, don't mess this up for me. I'm the guy who took you in even though I have no idea who you actually are.

Balki: Ok cousin, now you have started to hurt my feelings. In Mypos, when someone hurts someone's feeling we apologize and let the person kick us in the tenticles.

Larry: Well you're not kicking me in the tenticles. You're going to sit right down and make these picks so we can keep getting rich. (Grabs Balki by the arm)

Balki: Cosin' Larry get out of the city, you are hurting me.

Larry: Sit down, and make us some money.

Balki: (crying) Cosin' why you so mean to me...

Larry: Your my cash cow, Mypos...Now get to work.

Balki: Oh cosin' (crying) You are being ridiculous...I no longer do the dance of joy only the dance of sadness. I will never make picks again.

Larry: What? Uh...Okay...Sorry Balki...I may have said things I didn't mean. I got a little out of hand... I'm sorry. You're my cousin and I love you.

Balki: Oh cousin Larry you mean that.

Larry: I'm sorry I hurt you.

Balki: Okay, I make picks now, then I go meet MaryAnn.

Larry: Excellent, pick us some winners.

END SCENE Week 8 Picks Game 1 Cardinals at Packers
The Cardinals fly into the Packers home which is all just a bunch of boxes on a loading dock. The Cardinals have no branches to perch on. It would be another thing if they were playing The Trees.

Pick: Packers

Game 2 Falcons at Bengals
Instance #2832 of Birds versus Cats this season and usually I just give it to the big aggressive cat, even if the bird is a fast agressive bird like a falcon just because I'm more scared of Bengal tigers than falcons.

Pick: Falcons
Game 3 Ravens at Saints
Again a bird flies into God's house and pesters the righteous ones but alas the Bird can not escape without a little mercy.

Pick: Saints

Game 4 Texans at Titans
We're not in Texas anymore...We're in Tennessee.

Pick: Titans

Game 5 Jaguars at Eagles
Cats and birds, Cats and birds, cats and birds. Wow, This is no Sylvester and Tweety matchup. These Eagles have some serious Talons and as to paraphrase John Ashcroft...Those Eagles can soar.

Pick: Eagles
Game 6 Seahawks at Chiefs
Chief is expert with arrow. Shoots down strange bird not native to these lands.

Pick: Chiefs
Game 7 49ers at Bears
I think we've settled on this at this point that no matter who enters the bear's den, they're pretty much dead meat.

Pick: Bears
Game 8 Bucs at Giants
Them Thar Bucs get off their pirate ship and head up the beanstalk where the only treasure is the some freeze dried vegetables.

Pick: Giants

Game 9 Rams at Chargers
When Rams run into power lines I'd say they're pretty vulnerable to electrocution.

Pick: Chargeres
Game 10 Colts at Broncos
Horsey Bowl 2006. The Colts open the door do the Bucking Broncos home stable and get kicked in the face.

Pick: Broncos

Game 11 Jets at Browns
Once again the color Brown loses. This time to technology.

Pick: Jets

Game 12 Steelers at Raiders
The Raiders are Stealers, but the Steelers aren't Raiders. The Raiders steal this one at home.

Pick: Raiders

Game 13 Cowboys at Panthers
Mmm, Cowboy meat taste good to the big, fierce cats.

Pick: Panthers

Game 14 Patriots at Vikings
When you're on the high seas, no one cares which country is your favorite.

Pick: Vikings


There you have it...The picks for week 8. Balki's been winning so I would heed his word would I were you. But I'm not you so you do what you want.

Week 6 Pick 7-6 Season 58-42

Balki and Larry started doing the Dance of Joy 2 weeks ago and they haven't stopped as the Balki System enjoyed a 3rd straight week of success, making 11 correct picks out of 13 games. Not only did Balki and Larry earn their keep, they decided to share the wealth with Jennifer and MaryAnn. The following was overheard in the offices of The Balki System.

Balki: Cosin' Larry! Cosin' Larry!

Larry: Hey Balki. How is my favorite Gridiron handicappin' cousin?

Balki: I am waaaanderful because I went out and bought the most waanderful outfits for Maryann, Jennifer, and us.

Larry: What did you do?

Balki: Look I bought us these wonderful football uniforms for the success on the football we are having. We can walk around with the girls looking like the chaaattest team around the city.

Larry: Balki, these are baseball uniforms.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous..

Larry: Balki, haven't you been watching the games. Don't you know what football uniforms look like.

Balki: Like this...

Larry: Balki, football isn't the game where they hit the ball over the fence, it's the one where they dance in the end zone.

Balki: Get out of the city! Why do they call that football, I never see them kick it except on the fourth play
.
Larry: They use their feet even less in baseball.

Balki: Well you have got a point there Cosin'.

Larry: Aaah, what the heck, give me my Jersey. Let's go show the girls.

END SCENE

Alright, Time for Week 7 picks as the Balki System tries to go for another successful outing:

Game 1
Panthers at Bengals
Logic: Well this one seems like a tossup. It's Feline Bowl 2006 but seeing as I did some reading up on Bengals and found out that they've been known to pay on other predators such as Leopards, that makes them pretty bad ass.

Pick: Bengals

Game 2
Lions at Jets
Logic: Jets are faster than Lions.

Pick: Jets

Game 3
Packers at Dolphins
Logic: The Packers took a nice trip to Miami and they packed their bathing suit so that they can swim with the Dolphins. They're prepared for this meeting.

Pick: Packers

Game 4
Jaguars at Texans
Logic: Jaguars don't really care where the people they eat live.

Pick: Jags

Game 5
Patriots at Bills
Logic: Patriots love America, America is all about Earning those Bills. You're nobody in american without them.

Pick: Bills

Game 6
Eagles at Buccaneers
Logic: Parrots are the only birds welcome on the Pirate Ship.

Pick: Bucs

Game 7
Steelers at Falcons
Logic: When The Steelers travel to the Falcons dome home they notice that it's made of plenty of reinforced steel that they mined. The Steelers feel right at home.

Pick: Steelers

Game 8
Chargers at Chiefs
Logic: The Chief knows that when the lightning strikes the gods are angry. The Chiefs make an offering to the gods by handing them the football and letting them score...a lot.

Pick: Chargers

Game 9
Broncos at Browns
The color Brown versus a Bucking Bronco....eh, not much of a match.

Pick: Broncos

Game 10
Cardinals at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders are known for taking over other people's homes. When they're at home they like to relax and enjoy the view...even if a Cardinal flies in the window it's no bother.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 11
Vikings at Seahawks
Logic: The Vikings are men of the sea. They'll feel right at home at the Seahawks home confines.

Pick: Vikings

Game 12
Redskins at Colts
Logic: I could see our nation's capitol's favorite tribe jumping on some horseys and riding into the sunset.

Pick: Redskins

Game 13
Giants at Cowboys
Logic: I'm not so sure that the Cowboys have lassos big enough to reel in the Giants.

Pick: Giants.

Okay, there you have it, the week 7 picks. We're on a roll and we're looking to stay on one. So good luck to you and your teams.

Week 6 Picks
11-2

Season
51-36

The Dance of Joy is in order! The Balki System is finally getting on track with a phenomenal 11 Win 3 Loss performance in Week 5. Cousin Larry and Balki have left their log cabin hideout and no longer have to worry about the Vanucci Brothers breaking their legs. It's a regular reversal of fortune. But you can't say Balki didn't see it coming. If you read last week's post Balki predicted this would be a big week and was it ever. I guess it takes a couple of weeks for the system to work out all of the kinks. There has been a collective sigh at relieve over here at the Balki System offices as Cousin Larry and Balki returned from their gambling induced exile to make this week's picks. The following was overheard in the offices of the Balki System this week.

Larry: Boy, Balki it is good to be back.

Balki: What am I been tell you Cosin Lari...everything be work out for the best.

Larry: Yeah you know I guess you were right. You had me worried there for a bit but we're back on top and we can still think about taking Jennifer and MaryAnn to Hawaii.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we can.

Larry: I never should have doubted you Balk...

Balki: This is what I tell you because I am your Cosin and I would never be give you bad adwice.

Larry: Should we start packing for hawaii now?

Balki: Cosin, you can be packing but we still have many more weeks of the football season to be watching. I would no be doing the permanent dance of joy just yet.

Larry: I know I'm just excited we're out of that nasty debt.

Balki: (gravely) Cosin...There's one thing I forget to tell you last week...

Larry: What's that my masterful Myposian pigskin picking cousin?

Balki: Well in Mypos after we have very good week picking wins we usually follow it by poor performance and 11 wins is the most unlucky number of all in Mypos.

Larry: Oh great, now you tell me.

Balki: The day after my mother won 11 sheep races 11 of our chickens die.

Larry: So this means I still might get my legs broken if I bet this week?

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka!

END SCENE

Alright, Time for Week 6 Picks using the Balki System.


Game 1
Eagles at Saints

The Eagles are in God House and God's house is a dome so there's a limit on how high the Eagles can fly. Only the Saints have access to the heavens in this one.

Pick: Saints

Game 2
Seahawks at Rams
The Rams live too far inland for the Seahawks to make themselves at home. Being too far from the water, the Seahawks starve to death even if they never come into contact with the Rams.

Pick: Rams

Game 3
Giants at Falcons
The Last time the Giants went into a bird's home they proved that they can catch high flying bird's. This time should be no different since they're so big.

Pick: Giants

Game 4
Panthers at Ravens
Cats are known for their ability to climb trees. Raven's nest in trees. Is it me or are too many teams named after birds? Thank god the Browns are off this week.

Pick: Panthers

Game 5
Raiders at Broncos
The Raiders are known for Raiding people's homes but the Broncos home is a mile high. By the time the Raiders get up there they'll be out of breath and there's won't be enough air for them to catch it.

Pick: Broncos


Game 6
Bills at Lions
Bill gets eaten by a Lion plain and simple.

Pick: Lions

Game 7
Bengals at Buccaneers
Cats don't like water. The Buccaneers spend most of their time on a boat.

Pick: Buccaneers

Game 8
Texans at Cowboys
Both Texans and Cowboys hail from Texas but Texans are just people from Texas and Cowboys are cooler because they rope steer and drive herds yet still remain unfazed by the gay stigma.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 9
Titans at Redskins

The Titans are extinct descendents of gods that Native Americans didn't worship anyway.

Pick: Redskins

Game 10
Chiefs at Steelers

The Steel beast is all that remains in the place where the Chiefs used to call their home. They now have to live on a reservation in Kansas City where the white man can keep tabs on them.

Pick: Steelers

Game 11
Dolphins at Jets
Dolphins suck.

Pick: Jets

Game 12
Chargers at 49ers
If the 49ers had really been able to utilize electricity back then, there jobs would've been a whole lot easier

Pick: Chargers

Game 13
Bears at Cardinals

If we're referring to pitting a bear versus a tiny red bird, I'd have to favor the bear, but if we referring to pitting a big black bear versus a member of the clergy, well then I'd still have to take the bear,

Pick: Bears

Well there you have it. Not as descriptive as I would've liked it but sometimes writing this stuff is hard.

Anyway, here's where were are for the season

Week 5
11-3

Season
40-34


Good luck to cousin larry, balki, you, and your teams. See you in Week 7 on The Balki System.

After being embarrassed a week ago, Balki is inching back to moderate respectability after last week's showing. You know it's a stretch when you have to modify a word that barely notes success like "respectability" with a an adjective that hints at mediocrity like "moderate". That being said....Baby steps.

The Balki System took Larry and Balki into seclusion last weekend as they hid from the bookies that Larry has been placing his bets with. While they're not out of the woods yet, Balki and Larry are optimistic that this week is the key to not getting their legs broken.

The following was overheard at the undisclosed log cabin retreat offices of the Balki System this week:

Larry: Balki, why are you doing the dance of joy?

Balki: (singing) Dai! Dai! Dai! Dai! Oh, Hi Cosin'Larry. I am so excited! We go 7 and 7 last week.

Larry: Balki, that's not good. We didn't win, we just broke even. We still owe the Vanucci Brothers money.

Balki: Why you be so negative...In Mypos whenever you follow up a losing showing with a medium job is cause for celebrating.

Larry: Did they ever break your legs after a losing showing in Mypos?

Balki: Don't be ridiculous, they would just kill your best goat?

Larry: Well I suppose that's comparable.

Balki: Don't be so down Cosin. In Mypos, whenever we went 7 and 7 with our sheep racing picks it was considered to be being the luckiest because 7 is the luckiest number of them all. I know we will rolling in the dollars next week and we will even get back to our apartment and see the girls.

Larry: Jennifer probably hates me by now.

Balki: Get out of the city!

Larry: We are out of the city.

Balki: Oh, Cosin. Let's look at this week's games.

END SCENE

Game 1 Bills at Bears

Logic: I don't care if you're Bill Clinton, you can't reason with an angry bear.

Pick: Bears
Game 2 Browns at Panthers

Logic: What can Brown do for you? They can deliver packages to countries all over the world on-time as promised. If they delivered a package to a Panther's home and it wasn't on time though...well you can imagine what would happen from there.

Pick: Panthers

Game 3 Lions at Vikings

Logic: The Lion is the King of the Jungle. However, the Vikings are at home and nobody said what happens when Lions leave the jungle.

Pick: Vikings
Game 4 Dolphins at Patriots

Logic: The Dolphins are a fish out of water in this matchup.

Pick: Patriots
Game 5 Rams at Packers

Logic: This just in, Rams are just male sheep. People can herd sheep. Packers are people. Unfortunately, they're not shepherds, they pack things.

Pick: Rams

Game 6 Buccaneers at Saints

Logic: Argh! Them thar Buccaneers don't care if the lord be on yer' side matey. They got themselves a bottle of rum and a sword. You can pray all you want, but they're taking all of the Saints booty.

Pick: Buccaneers

Game 7 Titans at Colts

Logic: The Titans sound like a 3rd rate condom while Colt 45 is a first rate malt liquor.

Pick: Colt 45....er, Colts

Game 8 Redskins at Giants

Logic: Red Skin denotes sunburn. It hurts to touch stuff went you have sunburn. I couldn't imagine playing football with a Giant while nursing a mean sunburn.

Pick: Giants

Game 9 Chiefs at Cardinals

Logic: uh....The Tribal Chiefs eventually get tired of hunting for Titonka and sometimes prefer the lighter protein filled fare that is Roasted Cardinal

Pick: Chiefs

Game 10 Jets at Jaguars

Logic: Jaguars don't fly on Jets nor could they eat them. And if they tried they'd probably have a mighty belly ache not to mention some chipped teeth.

Pick: Jets

Game 11 Raiders at 49ers

Logic: The Raiders invade the Gold Mines of San Francisco and pillage the crap out of them, because that's what Raiders do. They raid.

Pick: Raiders

Game 12 Cowboys at Eagles

Logic: Cowboys visiting Eagles in their natural habitat are more likely to look on in awe at their majesty than attempt to harm them. They're both as American as apple pie.

Pick: Eagles

Game 13 Steelers at Chargers

Logic: I would keep steel as far away as possible from an electrical current.
Pick: Chargers

Game 14 Ravens at Broncos

Logic: Uh...This is a tough one. The Ravens are known for there "ravenous" appetite while Broncos are known for being untamed. Ravens typically feed on rotting flesh. The Broncos are not rotting flesh but they could be if they were attacked by a Lion. Luckily for the Broncos there are no Lions in this situation.

Pick: Broncos

Alright, there you have it, the picks for Week 5 of the Balki System. Balki has a Myposian hunch that this week is going to be a huge success. Perhaps you should follow Balki's lead and wager all of your hard earned dough on these picks. Cousin Larry certainly will. Hopefully, nobody ends up with their legs broken.

Week 4 Results 7-7

Season 29-31