Friday, September 29, 2006
This week on the Balki system, Balki is very sad because Cousin Larry did not have such a good week and the Vinucci Bros. sports book threatened to break Cousin Larry’s legs because the Balki System just flat out didn’t work last week with a record of 5 Wins and 9 Losses. Luckily for him there wasn’t a full 16 game slate or it could’ve gotten ugly.
In any case, Balki is determined to help you and Cousin Larry get back on your collective feet. I swear he is. Just listen to what was overheard at the Balki System office this week:
Cousin Larry: Balki, I think I have to stop gambling. The Vinucci Brothers said they’re going to break my legs.
Balki: Oh Cosin don’t be ridiculous…the Vinchichi brothers are not going to break your legs. Get out of the city.
Cousin Larry: That’s good advice maybe I should get out of the city. Let’s get Jennifer and Mary Ann and leave until this whole thing blows over.
Balki: Don’t be ridiculous Cousin Larry! We are not be getting out of the city! You know why?!
Cousin Larry: Why?
Balki: Because my mama always told me if you no be succeed…you keep trying to you win again!
Cousin Larry: Balki, if I don’t succeed in leaving town they’re going break both my legs in succession.
Balki: Oh Cosin, Where you going to go? Just relax, everything is okay. We gamble this weekend and everything fixes itself? I tell you Balki system just takes time to prove itself.
END SCENE
And with that, once more in Week 4
Game 1
Cardinals at Falcons
Logic: The Cardinals are a pretty red-bird that eats seeds. The Falcons are the Fastest bird on earth.
Pick: Falcons
Game 2
Cowboys at Titans
Logic: Maybe I’ve been thinking about this Titan thing all wrong, Titans were a deities that preceded the Olympians. They’re not even good enough to be Olympians and most Olympians are amateurs. Maybe the Titans are just lower than amateurs.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 3
Colts at Jets
Logic: Colts are fast horseys, but not as fast as Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 4
Dolphins at Texans
Logic: Dolphins
Dolphins in Texas? You bet, the only dolphin species to be found in Texas is the Atlantic Spotted Dolphin and guess what, it’s a threatened species.
Pick: Texans
Game 5
Vikings at Bills
Logic: Now that the everyone’s using Capital One cards and don’t have to worry about exorbitant credit cart Bills the Vikings had to go get real jobs and talk about it in annoying commercials.
Pick: Bills
Game 6
Saints at Panthers
Logic: The Saints may be blessed with Jesus love but the Panthers are blessed with Claws and Sharp teeth.
Pick: Panthers
Game 7
Chargers at Ravens
Logic: In the battle of a bird versus and electrical current, I’ll take the voltage every time.
Pick: Chargers
Game 8
49ers at Chiefs
Logic: On their out West the 49ers had to pass through the territory of many a proud tribe, but hey, they made it out there so I guess they were successful otherwise the gold rush would’ve been stopped dead in it’s tracks.
Pick: 49ers
Game 9
Lions at Rams
Logic: I don’t care where they fight, or how big the Ram’s horns are…The Lion is eating him.
Pick: Lions
Game 10
Browns at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders will be taking on the color Brown only when it’s over, the Raiders will be covered in Brown and look like they pooped all over themselvese.
Pick: Browns..Really? Sure.)
Game 11
Jaguars at Redskins
Logic: The Jaguars invade the reservation, and I’ve never heard of any Native Americans wearing a Jaguar-skin coat. It’s always Titonka.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 12
Patriots over Bengals
Logic: If Bengal tigers were roaming North America at the time of the Revolutionary war, I think the Brits might never have come. They’re not as easy to tax.
Pick: Bengals
Game 13
Seahawks at Bears
Logic: I’m not sure a bear would fare that well by the Sea but as long as the Seahawk is coming to them, I’d believe the Bear is going to defend his territory. Just look at that Grizzly man guy. If that guy had just been at home, the bears probably would’ve never bothered him.
Pick: Bears
Game 14
Packers at Eagles
Logic: The Packers packed guns this time along with a bagged lunch, but it’s illegal to shoot Eagles. So, they’ll just have to concentrate on eating their lunch while the majestic Eagle flies around above.
Alright, there you have it. The Balki System for Week 4. Let’s hope Balki has a better week of picks and Larry’s legs stay in tact. Have a good week and may all your favorite teams win.
Week 3 Results
5—9
Season Total
22-24
In any case, Balki is determined to help you and Cousin Larry get back on your collective feet. I swear he is. Just listen to what was overheard at the Balki System office this week:
Cousin Larry: Balki, I think I have to stop gambling. The Vinucci Brothers said they’re going to break my legs.
Balki: Oh Cosin don’t be ridiculous…the Vinchichi brothers are not going to break your legs. Get out of the city.
Cousin Larry: That’s good advice maybe I should get out of the city. Let’s get Jennifer and Mary Ann and leave until this whole thing blows over.
Balki: Don’t be ridiculous Cousin Larry! We are not be getting out of the city! You know why?!
Cousin Larry: Why?
Balki: Because my mama always told me if you no be succeed…you keep trying to you win again!
Cousin Larry: Balki, if I don’t succeed in leaving town they’re going break both my legs in succession.
Balki: Oh Cosin, Where you going to go? Just relax, everything is okay. We gamble this weekend and everything fixes itself? I tell you Balki system just takes time to prove itself.
END SCENE
And with that, once more in Week 4
Game 1
Cardinals at Falcons
Logic: The Cardinals are a pretty red-bird that eats seeds. The Falcons are the Fastest bird on earth.
Pick: Falcons
Game 2
Cowboys at Titans
Logic: Maybe I’ve been thinking about this Titan thing all wrong, Titans were a deities that preceded the Olympians. They’re not even good enough to be Olympians and most Olympians are amateurs. Maybe the Titans are just lower than amateurs.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 3
Colts at Jets
Logic: Colts are fast horseys, but not as fast as Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 4
Dolphins at Texans
Logic: Dolphins
Dolphins in Texas? You bet, the only dolphin species to be found in Texas is the Atlantic Spotted Dolphin and guess what, it’s a threatened species.
Pick: Texans
Game 5
Vikings at Bills
Logic: Now that the everyone’s using Capital One cards and don’t have to worry about exorbitant credit cart Bills the Vikings had to go get real jobs and talk about it in annoying commercials.
Pick: Bills
Game 6
Saints at Panthers
Logic: The Saints may be blessed with Jesus love but the Panthers are blessed with Claws and Sharp teeth.
Pick: Panthers
Game 7
Chargers at Ravens
Logic: In the battle of a bird versus and electrical current, I’ll take the voltage every time.
Pick: Chargers
Game 8
49ers at Chiefs
Logic: On their out West the 49ers had to pass through the territory of many a proud tribe, but hey, they made it out there so I guess they were successful otherwise the gold rush would’ve been stopped dead in it’s tracks.
Pick: 49ers
Game 9
Lions at Rams
Logic: I don’t care where they fight, or how big the Ram’s horns are…The Lion is eating him.
Pick: Lions
Game 10
Browns at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders will be taking on the color Brown only when it’s over, the Raiders will be covered in Brown and look like they pooped all over themselvese.
Pick: Browns..Really? Sure.)
Game 11
Jaguars at Redskins
Logic: The Jaguars invade the reservation, and I’ve never heard of any Native Americans wearing a Jaguar-skin coat. It’s always Titonka.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 12
Patriots over Bengals
Logic: If Bengal tigers were roaming North America at the time of the Revolutionary war, I think the Brits might never have come. They’re not as easy to tax.
Pick: Bengals
Game 13
Seahawks at Bears
Logic: I’m not sure a bear would fare that well by the Sea but as long as the Seahawk is coming to them, I’d believe the Bear is going to defend his territory. Just look at that Grizzly man guy. If that guy had just been at home, the bears probably would’ve never bothered him.
Pick: Bears
Game 14
Packers at Eagles
Logic: The Packers packed guns this time along with a bagged lunch, but it’s illegal to shoot Eagles. So, they’ll just have to concentrate on eating their lunch while the majestic Eagle flies around above.
Alright, there you have it. The Balki System for Week 4. Let’s hope Balki has a better week of picks and Larry’s legs stay in tact. Have a good week and may all your favorite teams win.
Week 3 Results
5—9
Season Total
22-24
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Everything seems to be coming together here at The Balki System. After a mediocre week 1 record of 8-8, Balki's system is slowly but surely proving to be moderately successful. What am I talking about? Well Balki's system went an astounding 9-7 last week. Yes folks, Balki has helped Cousin Larry have his first winning week since the episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki first explained his foolproof system.
People from all around the world are now seeking Balki's council including Balki's old friend from Detroit, Detective Axel Foley, who stopped by for some advice on Football picks and to track down the guys that killed his friend Mikey.
Special Blog Visitor and Detroit Lions Fan Axel Foley
The following was overheard this week at the offices of The Balki System
Axel: Hey, I'm looking for my friend Jenny.
Balki: Oh, Achmel. How you doing, because I am worrying about you all these years?
Axel: Serge how's it going?
Balki: My name is no Serge anymore. It's Balki.
Axel: Oh right, I forgot about that show you did after I came to Beverly Hills.
Balki: Is okay Achwel. Its water under the sewer because for old friend like you only come around once in a while.
Axel: So this is cool, you got this whole picks thing going, I dig it, kinda cool cat gambling operation, I dig it. But you know I'm a cop so I can bust your ass (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: Oh no you don't be doing that. Don't be ridiculous. What can I doing for my Achmel?
Axel: Look Balki, I need your help, I'm looking for my friend Jenny. These guys killed my friend Mikey and I think her boss Victor Maitlin might be involved and I think they might be running drugs too.
Balki: Oh Achmel, I no know how I can help because I am just make magical football picks now. You friend Billy come in all the time with Taggart and ask my adwice.
Axel: Look at you, Mr. Vegas odds cat (Axel Foley laugh). Just do me one favor, don't pick against the Lions anymore, you're cursing them, they're 0-2 alright (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: No, but I am not cursing them because I am only picking against them once to lose and once to win.
Axel: I'm just messing with you. All those cats I'm looking for are dead, I'm just coming down here because Rosewood told me you were doing this and I need some picks this week. Who looks good?
Balki: Okay, this is good because now I am showing you how to make picks using the patented Balki System.
(END SCENE)
And now without further to see, the picks for week 3:
Game 1
Panthers at Buccaneers
Logic:By the time the Panthers swim to the Buccaneers boat just off edge of Tampa they will be too tired to fend off the Bucs swashbucking prowess.
Pick: Buccaneers
Game 2
Bears at Vikings
Logic: More Animals, more boats. You don't want to come face to face with a bear anywhere. While everyone says that Bears are just afraid of you as you are of them, Balki says, "Don't be ridiculous."
Pick: Bears
Game 3
Bengals at Steelers
Logic: These Steelworkers keep getting put up against big nasty cats, luckily for them they are at home in the factory this week and I don't know much about Steelmaking but I know there's lots of heat, and the workers have to wear lots of protection. Protection that they won't be giving the Bengals tigers access to.
Pick: Steelers
Game 4
Packers at Lions
Good for the Packers, they Packed their things and they finally have somewhere to go. What did they Pack? Probably some cheese and some beer and some bratwursts that are native to the Green Bay area. Oh look, they're having their picnic in the Lion's den. The Lion is hungry, Oh wait, he didn't go for the Cheese and Beer, he went for the people that packed them.
Pick: Lions
Game 5
Jaguars at Colts
Logic: This one is tough. Both of these animals are fast but I just read that the Jaguar is the largest and most powerful feline in the Western Hemisphere. That has to count for something. Also, and I quote from Wikipedia (which who knows if it's true) "The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats. This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method with mammals: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain." That's pretty bad ass, I don't care whose home they are in.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 6
Jets at Bills
Logic: The Jets fly into Buffalo only to find that there's nothing worth seeing in Buffalo. People in Buffalo named Bill are still perfectly happy being there.
Pick: Bills
Game 7
Titans at Dolphins
Logic: The Titans of the tuna industry have sent huge fishing expeditions into the sea causing dolphins to get caught in nets.
Pick: Titans
Game 8
Redskins at Texans
Logic:The Tribe were defeated by some Cowboys in Dallas last week and still haven't been able to retreat out of state. They need to get the hell out of there.
Pick: Texans
Game 9
Ravens at Browns
Logic: Ravens have been known to feast on dog feces (wikipedia again!). Dog feces are brown. Somehow I think this is going to come up with whoever the Browns play. How can they win?
Pick: Ravens
Game 10
Giants at Seahawks
Logic: I think Seahawks might actually be a Navy plane. That being said, Giants can swat those things out of the sky. However, if it's a bird that has to swoop down to the ocean to eat some fish, Giants can catch them too.
Pick: Giants
Game 11
Eagles at 49ers
Really the Eagles and the 49ers have a lot in common. The Eagles are a proud symbol of America (i.e, The Bald Eagle) The 49ers went to California in 1849 to seek out fortune in and pursue the most American of dreams through rugged individualism. However, this individualism loses out because as we all know, there is no "I" in team and a nation United is more powerful than a bunch of idiots finding fools gold.
Pick: Eagles
Game 12
Rams at Cardinals
Logic: Sure a Cardinal might think he was safe at home up in his nest. But keep in mind that Rams like to knock into things and are just as likely to bang those big horns into the tree and knock the Cardinal out of his nest. Also, this game is being played close to the Jewish Holidays and people are going to be blowing their Shofars (Rams horns) all over the place. So not only do the rams have horns, but they've got the Hebrew peoples on their side.
pick: Rams
Game 13
Denver at Patriots
Logic: Paul Revere was a Patriot. He loved his country so much that he rode a horse to alert everyone that the British were coming. What kind of horse was it? Hell if I know. But it was a horse and so is a Bronco, so by that logic...Patriots know how to control horseys.
Pick: Patriots
Game 14
Falcons at Saints
Logic: The Saints are at home in God's house (The Superdome) for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. The Lord shall reward them for their patience and faith that their Church of Football would be restored
Pick: Saints
Okay folks, there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 3. Good luck to you, Cousin Larry and Axel Foley. If Balki is wrong Axel might come back and bust him for running an illegal gambling and prostitution ring. I know what you're thinking..."What prostitution ring?" Don't worry your pretty little head about it? Let's just say goats aren't the only beautiful creatures born and bred in Mypos.
Balki's Week 2 Results
9-7
Balki's Season
17-15
People from all around the world are now seeking Balki's council including Balki's old friend from Detroit, Detective Axel Foley, who stopped by for some advice on Football picks and to track down the guys that killed his friend Mikey.
Special Blog Visitor and Detroit Lions Fan Axel FoleyAxel: Hey, I'm looking for my friend Jenny.
Balki: Oh, Achmel. How you doing, because I am worrying about you all these years?
Axel: Serge how's it going?
Balki: My name is no Serge anymore. It's Balki.
Axel: Oh right, I forgot about that show you did after I came to Beverly Hills.
Balki: Is okay Achwel. Its water under the sewer because for old friend like you only come around once in a while.
Axel: So this is cool, you got this whole picks thing going, I dig it, kinda cool cat gambling operation, I dig it. But you know I'm a cop so I can bust your ass (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: Oh no you don't be doing that. Don't be ridiculous. What can I doing for my Achmel?
Axel: Look Balki, I need your help, I'm looking for my friend Jenny. These guys killed my friend Mikey and I think her boss Victor Maitlin might be involved and I think they might be running drugs too.
Balki: Oh Achmel, I no know how I can help because I am just make magical football picks now. You friend Billy come in all the time with Taggart and ask my adwice.
Axel: Look at you, Mr. Vegas odds cat (Axel Foley laugh). Just do me one favor, don't pick against the Lions anymore, you're cursing them, they're 0-2 alright (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: No, but I am not cursing them because I am only picking against them once to lose and once to win.
Axel: I'm just messing with you. All those cats I'm looking for are dead, I'm just coming down here because Rosewood told me you were doing this and I need some picks this week. Who looks good?
Balki: Okay, this is good because now I am showing you how to make picks using the patented Balki System.
(END SCENE)
And now without further to see, the picks for week 3:
Game 1
Panthers at Buccaneers
Logic:By the time the Panthers swim to the Buccaneers boat just off edge of Tampa they will be too tired to fend off the Bucs swashbucking prowess.
Pick: Buccaneers
Game 2
Bears at Vikings
Logic: More Animals, more boats. You don't want to come face to face with a bear anywhere. While everyone says that Bears are just afraid of you as you are of them, Balki says, "Don't be ridiculous."
Pick: Bears
Game 3
Bengals at Steelers
Logic: These Steelworkers keep getting put up against big nasty cats, luckily for them they are at home in the factory this week and I don't know much about Steelmaking but I know there's lots of heat, and the workers have to wear lots of protection. Protection that they won't be giving the Bengals tigers access to.
Pick: Steelers
Game 4
Packers at Lions
Good for the Packers, they Packed their things and they finally have somewhere to go. What did they Pack? Probably some cheese and some beer and some bratwursts that are native to the Green Bay area. Oh look, they're having their picnic in the Lion's den. The Lion is hungry, Oh wait, he didn't go for the Cheese and Beer, he went for the people that packed them.
Pick: Lions
Game 5
Jaguars at Colts
Logic: This one is tough. Both of these animals are fast but I just read that the Jaguar is the largest and most powerful feline in the Western Hemisphere. That has to count for something. Also, and I quote from Wikipedia (which who knows if it's true) "The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats. This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method with mammals: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain." That's pretty bad ass, I don't care whose home they are in.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 6
Jets at Bills
Logic: The Jets fly into Buffalo only to find that there's nothing worth seeing in Buffalo. People in Buffalo named Bill are still perfectly happy being there.
Pick: Bills
Game 7
Titans at Dolphins
Logic: The Titans of the tuna industry have sent huge fishing expeditions into the sea causing dolphins to get caught in nets.
Pick: Titans
Game 8
Redskins at Texans
Logic:The Tribe were defeated by some Cowboys in Dallas last week and still haven't been able to retreat out of state. They need to get the hell out of there.
Pick: Texans
Game 9
Ravens at Browns
Logic: Ravens have been known to feast on dog feces (wikipedia again!). Dog feces are brown. Somehow I think this is going to come up with whoever the Browns play. How can they win?
Pick: Ravens
Game 10
Giants at Seahawks
Logic: I think Seahawks might actually be a Navy plane. That being said, Giants can swat those things out of the sky. However, if it's a bird that has to swoop down to the ocean to eat some fish, Giants can catch them too.
Pick: Giants
Game 11
Eagles at 49ers
Really the Eagles and the 49ers have a lot in common. The Eagles are a proud symbol of America (i.e, The Bald Eagle) The 49ers went to California in 1849 to seek out fortune in and pursue the most American of dreams through rugged individualism. However, this individualism loses out because as we all know, there is no "I" in team and a nation United is more powerful than a bunch of idiots finding fools gold.
Pick: Eagles
Game 12
Rams at Cardinals
Logic: Sure a Cardinal might think he was safe at home up in his nest. But keep in mind that Rams like to knock into things and are just as likely to bang those big horns into the tree and knock the Cardinal out of his nest. Also, this game is being played close to the Jewish Holidays and people are going to be blowing their Shofars (Rams horns) all over the place. So not only do the rams have horns, but they've got the Hebrew peoples on their side.
pick: Rams
Game 13
Denver at Patriots
Logic: Paul Revere was a Patriot. He loved his country so much that he rode a horse to alert everyone that the British were coming. What kind of horse was it? Hell if I know. But it was a horse and so is a Bronco, so by that logic...Patriots know how to control horseys.
Pick: Patriots
Game 14
Falcons at Saints
Logic: The Saints are at home in God's house (The Superdome) for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. The Lord shall reward them for their patience and faith that their Church of Football would be restored
Pick: Saints
Okay folks, there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 3. Good luck to you, Cousin Larry and Axel Foley. If Balki is wrong Axel might come back and bust him for running an illegal gambling and prostitution ring. I know what you're thinking..."What prostitution ring?" Don't worry your pretty little head about it? Let's just say goats aren't the only beautiful creatures born and bred in Mypos.
Balki's Week 2 Results
9-7
Balki's Season
17-15
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Well we're one week into the Season and The Balki System is an even 8-8 (7-9 if you're betting the spreads). Needless to say Cousin Larry is a little nervous about trusting Balki's Myposian logic. I overheard this conversation Tuesday morning in the offices of The Balki System:
Cousin Larry: Jeez, Balki. I don't think this is going to work. We're 8 and 8. Your plan sounds good in theory but you've never actually seen a football game and I think that hurts us in the long run. I think I'm going to go with those other experts.
Balki: Don't be ridiculous Cosin Larry. We are just starting to catch on the fireplace! We will be winning so much that we can be afford to fly to Mypos and buy three years supply of bibby bobkas. Of course, Bibby bobkas are very cheap in Mypos but the goats don't give them up very easily.
Cousin Larry: Balki, if we win this pool, we're not going to Mypos, we're taking the girls to Hawaii.
Balki: I don't know Cosin...I do not think you can get bibby bobkas in Hawaii.
Cousin Larry: (gives Balki the "we're so different and we'll never understand each other because we're Perfect Strangers but you're still kind of my cousin" face). You know what Balki, I have a feeling we might just take home the bacon this week.
Balki: Okay but I no sharing my pillow with no pig.
Cousin Larry: (makes face again cut to commercial which was odd seeing as this happened in offices of The Balki System and all of the employees ceased to exist while 60 seconds of commercials took up the office space).
Anyway, Cousin Larry still has faith in The Balki System and you should too. 8 and 8 is not a bad start, especially when all of those teams have been hibernating for the past 7 months. Their muscles had all but atrophied making it impossible to know whether a Jet could beat a Titan or a Falcon could beat a Panther. It was a toss up but now they're all warmed up and ready to go, so without further ado, the Week 2 picks using The Balki System:
Game 1
Raiders at Ravens
Logic: Raiders come into peoples homes and take their things. The Ravens are going to be at home this weekend so they better lock their nests because the Raiders are coming to take things.
Pick: Raiders
Game 2
Bills at Dolphins
Logic: If you're trying to pay your Bills while swimming with Dolphins. I hate to tell you this but it just ain't gonna work. If you're paying your bills online and swimming with the Dolphins you might also break your computer.
Pick:Dolphins
Game 3
Panthers at Vikings
Logic: Vikings mostly live on boats. If I were a Viking I wouldn't want to be alone on a boat with a Panther.
Pick: Panthers
Game 4
Browns at Bengals
Logic: Bengals will eat anything even if it's Brown, be it it's own poop or a Wildebeest carcass.
Pick: Bengals
Game 5
Lions at Bears
Logic: I would not want to be a Lion walking into a bear cave after he's been hibernating. He's been sleeping all those months he's going to be cranky and hungry.
Pick: Bears
Game 6
Texans at Colts
Logic: Texans know how to ride horses and handle their guns.
Pick: Texans
Game 7
Saints at Packers
Logic: Those Packers are always packing things up. Why are they packing if they are at home? What are they running away from? Did someone tell them to get out of the city? If they're going somewhere the Saints might show up with no one to play.
Pick: Saints
Game 8
Giants at Eagles
Logic: I would think that every time a big slow Giant would try to catch an eagle it would just fly away. A Giant may be tall but I think the Eagle can fly higher.
Pick: Eagles
Game 9
Buccaneers at Falcons
Logic: The Buccaneers may be Pirates that say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers" but if you do that on land or in a Falcon's nest everyone thinks you are just plain crazy.
Pick: Falcons
Game 10
Cardinals at Seahawks
Logic: The Seahawks and Cardinals are both birds but Seahawks have to be agressive to live off of the ocean. When the passive Cardinal is in the Seahawks realm they are ill equipped to make due. Yes, this one was a huge stretch.
Pick: Seahawks
Game 11
Rams at 49ers
Logic: The 49ers are busy looking for gold. The Rams are just looking to knock heads with something.
Pick: Rams
Game 12
Chiefs at Broncos
Logic: A Bucking Bronco knocked Chief Running Water off of his saddle and poor Chief Running Water got a concussion.
Pick: Broncos
Game 13
Patriots at Jets
Logic: I don't care how patriotic you are if someone sends something jet-propelled directly at you. You will run away.
Pick: Jets
Game 14
Titans at Chargers (lightning bolts)
Logic: Titans are mythological Greek Giants who were taken down by Zeus and that guy practically spewed lightning bolts.
Pick: Chargers
Game 15
Washington at Dallas
Logic: I loves me a good old fashioned politically incorrect game of Cowboys and Indians. This one takes place on the ranch. The General Custers will get the last laugh over the Sitting Bulls in this battle though I'm aware that that battle took place nowhere near Texas and it's pretty much an irrelevant metaphor.
Pick: Dallas
Game 16:
Steelers at Jaguars
Logic: At the outset of the industrialization the Steel Industry was just one of the big industries that sprung up factories causing the development of cities, chasing out animals such as Jaguars and forcing them to inhabit what litle wilderness remained. When the Steel Workers wander into Jaguar territory this weekend, these disenfranchised cats take their revenge.
Pick: Jaguars
Well there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 2 of the NFL Season. Good luck to you and to Cousin Larry in your betting endeavors as we try to improve on Week 1's 8-8 start. May you all do the dance of joy.
Cousin Larry: Jeez, Balki. I don't think this is going to work. We're 8 and 8. Your plan sounds good in theory but you've never actually seen a football game and I think that hurts us in the long run. I think I'm going to go with those other experts.
Balki: Don't be ridiculous Cosin Larry. We are just starting to catch on the fireplace! We will be winning so much that we can be afford to fly to Mypos and buy three years supply of bibby bobkas. Of course, Bibby bobkas are very cheap in Mypos but the goats don't give them up very easily.
Cousin Larry: Balki, if we win this pool, we're not going to Mypos, we're taking the girls to Hawaii.
Balki: I don't know Cosin...I do not think you can get bibby bobkas in Hawaii.
Cousin Larry: (gives Balki the "we're so different and we'll never understand each other because we're Perfect Strangers but you're still kind of my cousin" face). You know what Balki, I have a feeling we might just take home the bacon this week.
Balki: Okay but I no sharing my pillow with no pig.
Cousin Larry: (makes face again cut to commercial which was odd seeing as this happened in offices of The Balki System and all of the employees ceased to exist while 60 seconds of commercials took up the office space).
Anyway, Cousin Larry still has faith in The Balki System and you should too. 8 and 8 is not a bad start, especially when all of those teams have been hibernating for the past 7 months. Their muscles had all but atrophied making it impossible to know whether a Jet could beat a Titan or a Falcon could beat a Panther. It was a toss up but now they're all warmed up and ready to go, so without further ado, the Week 2 picks using The Balki System:
Game 1
Raiders at Ravens
Logic: Raiders come into peoples homes and take their things. The Ravens are going to be at home this weekend so they better lock their nests because the Raiders are coming to take things.
Pick: Raiders
Game 2
Bills at Dolphins
Logic: If you're trying to pay your Bills while swimming with Dolphins. I hate to tell you this but it just ain't gonna work. If you're paying your bills online and swimming with the Dolphins you might also break your computer.
Pick:Dolphins
Game 3
Panthers at Vikings
Logic: Vikings mostly live on boats. If I were a Viking I wouldn't want to be alone on a boat with a Panther.
Pick: Panthers
Game 4
Browns at Bengals
Logic: Bengals will eat anything even if it's Brown, be it it's own poop or a Wildebeest carcass.
Pick: Bengals
Game 5
Lions at Bears
Logic: I would not want to be a Lion walking into a bear cave after he's been hibernating. He's been sleeping all those months he's going to be cranky and hungry.
Pick: Bears
Game 6
Texans at Colts
Logic: Texans know how to ride horses and handle their guns.
Pick: Texans
Game 7
Saints at Packers
Logic: Those Packers are always packing things up. Why are they packing if they are at home? What are they running away from? Did someone tell them to get out of the city? If they're going somewhere the Saints might show up with no one to play.
Pick: Saints
Game 8
Giants at Eagles
Logic: I would think that every time a big slow Giant would try to catch an eagle it would just fly away. A Giant may be tall but I think the Eagle can fly higher.
Pick: Eagles
Game 9
Buccaneers at Falcons
Logic: The Buccaneers may be Pirates that say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers" but if you do that on land or in a Falcon's nest everyone thinks you are just plain crazy.
Pick: Falcons
Game 10
Cardinals at Seahawks
Logic: The Seahawks and Cardinals are both birds but Seahawks have to be agressive to live off of the ocean. When the passive Cardinal is in the Seahawks realm they are ill equipped to make due. Yes, this one was a huge stretch.
Pick: Seahawks
Game 11
Rams at 49ers
Logic: The 49ers are busy looking for gold. The Rams are just looking to knock heads with something.
Pick: Rams
Game 12
Chiefs at Broncos
Logic: A Bucking Bronco knocked Chief Running Water off of his saddle and poor Chief Running Water got a concussion.
Pick: Broncos
Game 13
Patriots at Jets
Logic: I don't care how patriotic you are if someone sends something jet-propelled directly at you. You will run away.
Pick: Jets
Game 14
Titans at Chargers (lightning bolts)
Logic: Titans are mythological Greek Giants who were taken down by Zeus and that guy practically spewed lightning bolts.
Pick: Chargers
Game 15
Washington at Dallas
Logic: I loves me a good old fashioned politically incorrect game of Cowboys and Indians. This one takes place on the ranch. The General Custers will get the last laugh over the Sitting Bulls in this battle though I'm aware that that battle took place nowhere near Texas and it's pretty much an irrelevant metaphor.
Pick: Dallas
Game 16:
Steelers at Jaguars
Logic: At the outset of the industrialization the Steel Industry was just one of the big industries that sprung up factories causing the development of cities, chasing out animals such as Jaguars and forcing them to inhabit what litle wilderness remained. When the Steel Workers wander into Jaguar territory this weekend, these disenfranchised cats take their revenge.
Pick: Jaguars
Well there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 2 of the NFL Season. Good luck to you and to Cousin Larry in your betting endeavors as we try to improve on Week 1's 8-8 start. May you all do the dance of joy.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Cousin Larry needs help making picks for his work football pool and so do you. Who better to help you than that Meaposian Master of Pigskin Prognostication, Balki Bartokomous.
If you have no idea what I'm referring to than you've never seen Perfect Strangers and perhaps you should move along. If you're still here than maybe you remember a certain episode of everyone's favorite 80's ABC Sitcom "Perfect Strangers" in which Larry (played by Mark Linn Baker) has to make Football picks and Balki (not played by an actor but actually played by himself a former Goat Herder from land of Meapos) uses his own form of logic to help him make winning football picks.
This logic is as follows using a random example:
Bengals vs. Cardinals - who would win in a fight or if they went head to head A Bengal Tiger or a little chirpy Cardinal. My money is on the Bengals.
Of course this process always becomes difficult with certain teams like the Saints who would seem to have the power of God on their side but when face to face with a Lion armed only with the weapon of faith might need a few more miracles to pull something out.
That's what this blog, The Balki System is all about...helping you make winning football picks using Balki's foolproof method. Winning your office pool, therefore causing you to do the dance of joy!
So seeing as week 1 is upon us, let's get into it:
Game 1
Dolphins vs. Steelers
Logic: Dolphins are perhaps the smartest mammals on the planet. They speak their own language (audibles) that most Steel Workers cannot understand. Nevermind that Dolphins live in an entirely different element than Steel Workers and the Steel Workers are at home. Dolphins are smart enough to make that work for them, plus did you see Jaws 3? Didn't dolphins have something to do with putting the Kaybosh on that evil Great White Monster? I might be wrong about that one. Anyway, Roethlisberger is out for the game with appendicitis.
Pick: Dolphins
Game 2:
Buccaneers vs. Ravens
Logic: The Buccaneers are Pirates. The Ravens are a bird. It's extremely hard to go against a Pirate. They're ruthless and say things like "Shiver me timbers" and "Argh!" and drink rum. The Ravens only say "nevermore".
Pick:Buccaneers
Game 3:
Saints vs. Browns
Logic: God is on the Saints side. However, The Saints are not in God's house also known as the Superdome. Brown is a color. This is a tough one, a lot of things are Brown. People, Trees, Puppies, Carpet, Wood paneling, fecal matter. However, I can't think of one brown thing that would beat having God on your side. Especially if you're playing like fecal matter.
Pick: Saints
Game 4:
Falcons vs. Panthers
Logic: Another no brainer in regards to a bird. The Panthers are at home in their den or wherever Panthers live and when a Falcon is in the den of a fierce cat like a Panther or even a puma for that matter but we're not talking about Pumas I guess, the Falcon is in more trouble than the Panther. If this one were fought in a Falcon nest it would be a whole different story...maybe.
Pick: Panthers
Game 5
Seattle vs. Detroit
Logic: The Seahawks are way too far inland, in fact nowhere near a sea and again it's the story of a Bird in a Lion's Den. However, it's going to be close because Matt Millen's team is involved.
Pick: Lions
Game 6
Eagles vs. Texans
Logic: As the old adage goes, don't mess with Texans...er...Texas. Most Texans own guns and can therefore shoot Eagles out of the sky.
Pick: Texans
Game 7
Jets vs. Titans
Logic: A Titan is definted as "any of the primordial giant gods who ruled the Earth until overthrown by Zeus", On one hand the fact that it took Zeus to overthrow the Titans is pretty bad ass. On the other hand I wonder with modern technology if all it would take to the throttle the Titans is something "Jet" powered. Hmmm...this one's a washout as far as I can tell. I'm going with the myth. Plus is in their house, aptly title Adelphia Coliseum, even though I think Adelphia is just the cable system.
Pick: Titans
Game 8
Bengals vs. Chiefs
Logic: Chief respects nature. Bengals are part of nature. Chief and his tribe hope to live in harmony with Bengal tiger. Sometimes Bengal tiger comes into village and eats small children.
Pick: Bengals
Game 9
Broncos vs. Rams
Logic: Rams are male sheep. Everyone knows sheep are followers and can't make decisions for themselves. However, Rams also have those big nasty looking horns and when they meet with a Bucking Bronco this makes for a fierce battle. Time to go to intangibles...Ram is also a verb meaning to force by heavy blows. A Bronco is a car in which OJ sped down the freeway with A.C. in.
Pick: Rams
Game 10
Bills Vs. Patriots
Logic: The Patriots are from New England, they're the original colonists, they love America. They're kind of like a mix between Pirates and Pilgrims. They raped the land, killed the Native Americans, and made this country their own. They eat Buffalo burgers for lunch after hunting them down.
Edge: Patriots
Game 11
Cowboys vs. Jaguars
Logic: This depends on what kind of Cowboy we're talking about since I don't think all Cowboys naturally carry guns and they've taken a reputation hit since Brokeback Mountain. If we're talking about the lassoing, "cowboys are frequenty secretly (fond of each other)" kind of Cowboy, this is quite the mismatch. Especially, since I don't think Jaguars will appreciate being lassoed. If the Cowboys were called the Poachers I might feel differently.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 12
Bears vs. Packers
Logic: Okay, a big grizzly bear vs. a guy who works on the loading dock. Moving right along
Pick: Bears
Game 13
49ers vs Cardinals
Logic: 49ers moved to California looking for gold in 1849. Now they're all dead. Cardinals are an ongoing species of bird. Really even if I put them on the same plane of existence they would probably just ignore each other. Really they're just interested in different things.
Pick: Cardinals
Game 14
Colts vs. Giants
Logic: Giants are huge. If they tried to ride a Colt, the Colt would be crushed. It would also take a lot of Colt 45 to get a Giant drunk.
Pick: Giants
Game 15
Vikings vs. Redskins
Logic: Let's forget for a second that Redskins is a politically incorrect term. If Leif Eriksson and his fellow Norsemen wandered onto the Reservation, they would most certainly be scalped or roasted over an open fire. Or Daniel Snyder would just buy them. Is it becoming apparent that I'm tired of coming up with reasons yet?
Pick: Redskins
Game 16
Chargers vs. Raiders
Logic: Lightning Bolts would electrocute Raiders. The Raiders are sort of Pirate-y pillagers right?
Pick: Chargers
Okay, that does it for The Balki System Week 1 picks. Check back next week to see How Cousin Larry did in his office pool. Also, if you have any comments, post away!
