Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Well we're one week into the Season and The Balki System is an even 8-8 (7-9 if you're betting the spreads). Needless to say Cousin Larry is a little nervous about trusting Balki's Myposian logic. I overheard this conversation Tuesday morning in the offices of The Balki System:
Cousin Larry: Jeez, Balki. I don't think this is going to work. We're 8 and 8. Your plan sounds good in theory but you've never actually seen a football game and I think that hurts us in the long run. I think I'm going to go with those other experts.
Balki: Don't be ridiculous Cosin Larry. We are just starting to catch on the fireplace! We will be winning so much that we can be afford to fly to Mypos and buy three years supply of bibby bobkas. Of course, Bibby bobkas are very cheap in Mypos but the goats don't give them up very easily.
Cousin Larry: Balki, if we win this pool, we're not going to Mypos, we're taking the girls to Hawaii.
Balki: I don't know Cosin...I do not think you can get bibby bobkas in Hawaii.
Cousin Larry: (gives Balki the "we're so different and we'll never understand each other because we're Perfect Strangers but you're still kind of my cousin" face). You know what Balki, I have a feeling we might just take home the bacon this week.
Balki: Okay but I no sharing my pillow with no pig.
Cousin Larry: (makes face again cut to commercial which was odd seeing as this happened in offices of The Balki System and all of the employees ceased to exist while 60 seconds of commercials took up the office space).
Anyway, Cousin Larry still has faith in The Balki System and you should too. 8 and 8 is not a bad start, especially when all of those teams have been hibernating for the past 7 months. Their muscles had all but atrophied making it impossible to know whether a Jet could beat a Titan or a Falcon could beat a Panther. It was a toss up but now they're all warmed up and ready to go, so without further ado, the Week 2 picks using The Balki System:
Game 1
Raiders at Ravens
Logic: Raiders come into peoples homes and take their things. The Ravens are going to be at home this weekend so they better lock their nests because the Raiders are coming to take things.
Pick: Raiders
Game 2
Bills at Dolphins
Logic: If you're trying to pay your Bills while swimming with Dolphins. I hate to tell you this but it just ain't gonna work. If you're paying your bills online and swimming with the Dolphins you might also break your computer.
Pick:Dolphins
Game 3
Panthers at Vikings
Logic: Vikings mostly live on boats. If I were a Viking I wouldn't want to be alone on a boat with a Panther.
Pick: Panthers
Game 4
Browns at Bengals
Logic: Bengals will eat anything even if it's Brown, be it it's own poop or a Wildebeest carcass.
Pick: Bengals
Game 5
Lions at Bears
Logic: I would not want to be a Lion walking into a bear cave after he's been hibernating. He's been sleeping all those months he's going to be cranky and hungry.
Pick: Bears
Game 6
Texans at Colts
Logic: Texans know how to ride horses and handle their guns.
Pick: Texans
Game 7
Saints at Packers
Logic: Those Packers are always packing things up. Why are they packing if they are at home? What are they running away from? Did someone tell them to get out of the city? If they're going somewhere the Saints might show up with no one to play.
Pick: Saints
Game 8
Giants at Eagles
Logic: I would think that every time a big slow Giant would try to catch an eagle it would just fly away. A Giant may be tall but I think the Eagle can fly higher.
Pick: Eagles
Game 9
Buccaneers at Falcons
Logic: The Buccaneers may be Pirates that say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers" but if you do that on land or in a Falcon's nest everyone thinks you are just plain crazy.
Pick: Falcons
Game 10
Cardinals at Seahawks
Logic: The Seahawks and Cardinals are both birds but Seahawks have to be agressive to live off of the ocean. When the passive Cardinal is in the Seahawks realm they are ill equipped to make due. Yes, this one was a huge stretch.
Pick: Seahawks
Game 11
Rams at 49ers
Logic: The 49ers are busy looking for gold. The Rams are just looking to knock heads with something.
Pick: Rams
Game 12
Chiefs at Broncos
Logic: A Bucking Bronco knocked Chief Running Water off of his saddle and poor Chief Running Water got a concussion.
Pick: Broncos
Game 13
Patriots at Jets
Logic: I don't care how patriotic you are if someone sends something jet-propelled directly at you. You will run away.
Pick: Jets
Game 14
Titans at Chargers (lightning bolts)
Logic: Titans are mythological Greek Giants who were taken down by Zeus and that guy practically spewed lightning bolts.
Pick: Chargers
Game 15
Washington at Dallas
Logic: I loves me a good old fashioned politically incorrect game of Cowboys and Indians. This one takes place on the ranch. The General Custers will get the last laugh over the Sitting Bulls in this battle though I'm aware that that battle took place nowhere near Texas and it's pretty much an irrelevant metaphor.
Pick: Dallas
Game 16:
Steelers at Jaguars
Logic: At the outset of the industrialization the Steel Industry was just one of the big industries that sprung up factories causing the development of cities, chasing out animals such as Jaguars and forcing them to inhabit what litle wilderness remained. When the Steel Workers wander into Jaguar territory this weekend, these disenfranchised cats take their revenge.
Pick: Jaguars
Well there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 2 of the NFL Season. Good luck to you and to Cousin Larry in your betting endeavors as we try to improve on Week 1's 8-8 start. May you all do the dance of joy.
Cousin Larry: Jeez, Balki. I don't think this is going to work. We're 8 and 8. Your plan sounds good in theory but you've never actually seen a football game and I think that hurts us in the long run. I think I'm going to go with those other experts.
Balki: Don't be ridiculous Cosin Larry. We are just starting to catch on the fireplace! We will be winning so much that we can be afford to fly to Mypos and buy three years supply of bibby bobkas. Of course, Bibby bobkas are very cheap in Mypos but the goats don't give them up very easily.
Cousin Larry: Balki, if we win this pool, we're not going to Mypos, we're taking the girls to Hawaii.
Balki: I don't know Cosin...I do not think you can get bibby bobkas in Hawaii.
Cousin Larry: (gives Balki the "we're so different and we'll never understand each other because we're Perfect Strangers but you're still kind of my cousin" face). You know what Balki, I have a feeling we might just take home the bacon this week.
Balki: Okay but I no sharing my pillow with no pig.
Cousin Larry: (makes face again cut to commercial which was odd seeing as this happened in offices of The Balki System and all of the employees ceased to exist while 60 seconds of commercials took up the office space).
Anyway, Cousin Larry still has faith in The Balki System and you should too. 8 and 8 is not a bad start, especially when all of those teams have been hibernating for the past 7 months. Their muscles had all but atrophied making it impossible to know whether a Jet could beat a Titan or a Falcon could beat a Panther. It was a toss up but now they're all warmed up and ready to go, so without further ado, the Week 2 picks using The Balki System:
Game 1
Raiders at Ravens
Logic: Raiders come into peoples homes and take their things. The Ravens are going to be at home this weekend so they better lock their nests because the Raiders are coming to take things.
Pick: Raiders
Game 2
Bills at Dolphins
Logic: If you're trying to pay your Bills while swimming with Dolphins. I hate to tell you this but it just ain't gonna work. If you're paying your bills online and swimming with the Dolphins you might also break your computer.
Pick:Dolphins
Game 3
Panthers at Vikings
Logic: Vikings mostly live on boats. If I were a Viking I wouldn't want to be alone on a boat with a Panther.
Pick: Panthers
Game 4
Browns at Bengals
Logic: Bengals will eat anything even if it's Brown, be it it's own poop or a Wildebeest carcass.
Pick: Bengals
Game 5
Lions at Bears
Logic: I would not want to be a Lion walking into a bear cave after he's been hibernating. He's been sleeping all those months he's going to be cranky and hungry.
Pick: Bears
Game 6
Texans at Colts
Logic: Texans know how to ride horses and handle their guns.
Pick: Texans
Game 7
Saints at Packers
Logic: Those Packers are always packing things up. Why are they packing if they are at home? What are they running away from? Did someone tell them to get out of the city? If they're going somewhere the Saints might show up with no one to play.
Pick: Saints
Game 8
Giants at Eagles
Logic: I would think that every time a big slow Giant would try to catch an eagle it would just fly away. A Giant may be tall but I think the Eagle can fly higher.
Pick: Eagles
Game 9
Buccaneers at Falcons
Logic: The Buccaneers may be Pirates that say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers" but if you do that on land or in a Falcon's nest everyone thinks you are just plain crazy.
Pick: Falcons
Game 10
Cardinals at Seahawks
Logic: The Seahawks and Cardinals are both birds but Seahawks have to be agressive to live off of the ocean. When the passive Cardinal is in the Seahawks realm they are ill equipped to make due. Yes, this one was a huge stretch.
Pick: Seahawks
Game 11
Rams at 49ers
Logic: The 49ers are busy looking for gold. The Rams are just looking to knock heads with something.
Pick: Rams
Game 12
Chiefs at Broncos
Logic: A Bucking Bronco knocked Chief Running Water off of his saddle and poor Chief Running Water got a concussion.
Pick: Broncos
Game 13
Patriots at Jets
Logic: I don't care how patriotic you are if someone sends something jet-propelled directly at you. You will run away.
Pick: Jets
Game 14
Titans at Chargers (lightning bolts)
Logic: Titans are mythological Greek Giants who were taken down by Zeus and that guy practically spewed lightning bolts.
Pick: Chargers
Game 15
Washington at Dallas
Logic: I loves me a good old fashioned politically incorrect game of Cowboys and Indians. This one takes place on the ranch. The General Custers will get the last laugh over the Sitting Bulls in this battle though I'm aware that that battle took place nowhere near Texas and it's pretty much an irrelevant metaphor.
Pick: Dallas
Game 16:
Steelers at Jaguars
Logic: At the outset of the industrialization the Steel Industry was just one of the big industries that sprung up factories causing the development of cities, chasing out animals such as Jaguars and forcing them to inhabit what litle wilderness remained. When the Steel Workers wander into Jaguar territory this weekend, these disenfranchised cats take their revenge.
Pick: Jaguars
Well there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 2 of the NFL Season. Good luck to you and to Cousin Larry in your betting endeavors as we try to improve on Week 1's 8-8 start. May you all do the dance of joy.
# posted by Evan Kessler @ 12:49 AM 
