Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Everything seems to be coming together here at The Balki System. After a mediocre week 1 record of 8-8, Balki's system is slowly but surely proving to be moderately successful. What am I talking about? Well Balki's system went an astounding 9-7 last week. Yes folks, Balki has helped Cousin Larry have his first winning week since the episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki first explained his foolproof system.
People from all around the world are now seeking Balki's council including Balki's old friend from Detroit, Detective Axel Foley, who stopped by for some advice on Football picks and to track down the guys that killed his friend Mikey.
Special Blog Visitor and Detroit Lions Fan Axel Foley
The following was overheard this week at the offices of The Balki System
Axel: Hey, I'm looking for my friend Jenny.
Balki: Oh, Achmel. How you doing, because I am worrying about you all these years?
Axel: Serge how's it going?
Balki: My name is no Serge anymore. It's Balki.
Axel: Oh right, I forgot about that show you did after I came to Beverly Hills.
Balki: Is okay Achwel. Its water under the sewer because for old friend like you only come around once in a while.
Axel: So this is cool, you got this whole picks thing going, I dig it, kinda cool cat gambling operation, I dig it. But you know I'm a cop so I can bust your ass (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: Oh no you don't be doing that. Don't be ridiculous. What can I doing for my Achmel?
Axel: Look Balki, I need your help, I'm looking for my friend Jenny. These guys killed my friend Mikey and I think her boss Victor Maitlin might be involved and I think they might be running drugs too.
Balki: Oh Achmel, I no know how I can help because I am just make magical football picks now. You friend Billy come in all the time with Taggart and ask my adwice.
Axel: Look at you, Mr. Vegas odds cat (Axel Foley laugh). Just do me one favor, don't pick against the Lions anymore, you're cursing them, they're 0-2 alright (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: No, but I am not cursing them because I am only picking against them once to lose and once to win.
Axel: I'm just messing with you. All those cats I'm looking for are dead, I'm just coming down here because Rosewood told me you were doing this and I need some picks this week. Who looks good?
Balki: Okay, this is good because now I am showing you how to make picks using the patented Balki System.
(END SCENE)
And now without further to see, the picks for week 3:
Game 1
Panthers at Buccaneers
Logic:By the time the Panthers swim to the Buccaneers boat just off edge of Tampa they will be too tired to fend off the Bucs swashbucking prowess.
Pick: Buccaneers
Game 2
Bears at Vikings
Logic: More Animals, more boats. You don't want to come face to face with a bear anywhere. While everyone says that Bears are just afraid of you as you are of them, Balki says, "Don't be ridiculous."
Pick: Bears
Game 3
Bengals at Steelers
Logic: These Steelworkers keep getting put up against big nasty cats, luckily for them they are at home in the factory this week and I don't know much about Steelmaking but I know there's lots of heat, and the workers have to wear lots of protection. Protection that they won't be giving the Bengals tigers access to.
Pick: Steelers
Game 4
Packers at Lions
Good for the Packers, they Packed their things and they finally have somewhere to go. What did they Pack? Probably some cheese and some beer and some bratwursts that are native to the Green Bay area. Oh look, they're having their picnic in the Lion's den. The Lion is hungry, Oh wait, he didn't go for the Cheese and Beer, he went for the people that packed them.
Pick: Lions
Game 5
Jaguars at Colts
Logic: This one is tough. Both of these animals are fast but I just read that the Jaguar is the largest and most powerful feline in the Western Hemisphere. That has to count for something. Also, and I quote from Wikipedia (which who knows if it's true) "The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats. This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method with mammals: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain." That's pretty bad ass, I don't care whose home they are in.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 6
Jets at Bills
Logic: The Jets fly into Buffalo only to find that there's nothing worth seeing in Buffalo. People in Buffalo named Bill are still perfectly happy being there.
Pick: Bills
Game 7
Titans at Dolphins
Logic: The Titans of the tuna industry have sent huge fishing expeditions into the sea causing dolphins to get caught in nets.
Pick: Titans
Game 8
Redskins at Texans
Logic:The Tribe were defeated by some Cowboys in Dallas last week and still haven't been able to retreat out of state. They need to get the hell out of there.
Pick: Texans
Game 9
Ravens at Browns
Logic: Ravens have been known to feast on dog feces (wikipedia again!). Dog feces are brown. Somehow I think this is going to come up with whoever the Browns play. How can they win?
Pick: Ravens
Game 10
Giants at Seahawks
Logic: I think Seahawks might actually be a Navy plane. That being said, Giants can swat those things out of the sky. However, if it's a bird that has to swoop down to the ocean to eat some fish, Giants can catch them too.
Pick: Giants
Game 11
Eagles at 49ers
Really the Eagles and the 49ers have a lot in common. The Eagles are a proud symbol of America (i.e, The Bald Eagle) The 49ers went to California in 1849 to seek out fortune in and pursue the most American of dreams through rugged individualism. However, this individualism loses out because as we all know, there is no "I" in team and a nation United is more powerful than a bunch of idiots finding fools gold.
Pick: Eagles
Game 12
Rams at Cardinals
Logic: Sure a Cardinal might think he was safe at home up in his nest. But keep in mind that Rams like to knock into things and are just as likely to bang those big horns into the tree and knock the Cardinal out of his nest. Also, this game is being played close to the Jewish Holidays and people are going to be blowing their Shofars (Rams horns) all over the place. So not only do the rams have horns, but they've got the Hebrew peoples on their side.
pick: Rams
Game 13
Denver at Patriots
Logic: Paul Revere was a Patriot. He loved his country so much that he rode a horse to alert everyone that the British were coming. What kind of horse was it? Hell if I know. But it was a horse and so is a Bronco, so by that logic...Patriots know how to control horseys.
Pick: Patriots
Game 14
Falcons at Saints
Logic: The Saints are at home in God's house (The Superdome) for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. The Lord shall reward them for their patience and faith that their Church of Football would be restored
Pick: Saints
Okay folks, there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 3. Good luck to you, Cousin Larry and Axel Foley. If Balki is wrong Axel might come back and bust him for running an illegal gambling and prostitution ring. I know what you're thinking..."What prostitution ring?" Don't worry your pretty little head about it? Let's just say goats aren't the only beautiful creatures born and bred in Mypos.
Balki's Week 2 Results
9-7
Balki's Season
17-15
People from all around the world are now seeking Balki's council including Balki's old friend from Detroit, Detective Axel Foley, who stopped by for some advice on Football picks and to track down the guys that killed his friend Mikey.
Special Blog Visitor and Detroit Lions Fan Axel FoleyAxel: Hey, I'm looking for my friend Jenny.
Balki: Oh, Achmel. How you doing, because I am worrying about you all these years?
Axel: Serge how's it going?
Balki: My name is no Serge anymore. It's Balki.
Axel: Oh right, I forgot about that show you did after I came to Beverly Hills.
Balki: Is okay Achwel. Its water under the sewer because for old friend like you only come around once in a while.
Axel: So this is cool, you got this whole picks thing going, I dig it, kinda cool cat gambling operation, I dig it. But you know I'm a cop so I can bust your ass (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: Oh no you don't be doing that. Don't be ridiculous. What can I doing for my Achmel?
Axel: Look Balki, I need your help, I'm looking for my friend Jenny. These guys killed my friend Mikey and I think her boss Victor Maitlin might be involved and I think they might be running drugs too.
Balki: Oh Achmel, I no know how I can help because I am just make magical football picks now. You friend Billy come in all the time with Taggart and ask my adwice.
Axel: Look at you, Mr. Vegas odds cat (Axel Foley laugh). Just do me one favor, don't pick against the Lions anymore, you're cursing them, they're 0-2 alright (Axel Foley laugh).
Balki: No, but I am not cursing them because I am only picking against them once to lose and once to win.
Axel: I'm just messing with you. All those cats I'm looking for are dead, I'm just coming down here because Rosewood told me you were doing this and I need some picks this week. Who looks good?
Balki: Okay, this is good because now I am showing you how to make picks using the patented Balki System.
(END SCENE)
And now without further to see, the picks for week 3:
Game 1
Panthers at Buccaneers
Logic:By the time the Panthers swim to the Buccaneers boat just off edge of Tampa they will be too tired to fend off the Bucs swashbucking prowess.
Pick: Buccaneers
Game 2
Bears at Vikings
Logic: More Animals, more boats. You don't want to come face to face with a bear anywhere. While everyone says that Bears are just afraid of you as you are of them, Balki says, "Don't be ridiculous."
Pick: Bears
Game 3
Bengals at Steelers
Logic: These Steelworkers keep getting put up against big nasty cats, luckily for them they are at home in the factory this week and I don't know much about Steelmaking but I know there's lots of heat, and the workers have to wear lots of protection. Protection that they won't be giving the Bengals tigers access to.
Pick: Steelers
Game 4
Packers at Lions
Good for the Packers, they Packed their things and they finally have somewhere to go. What did they Pack? Probably some cheese and some beer and some bratwursts that are native to the Green Bay area. Oh look, they're having their picnic in the Lion's den. The Lion is hungry, Oh wait, he didn't go for the Cheese and Beer, he went for the people that packed them.
Pick: Lions
Game 5
Jaguars at Colts
Logic: This one is tough. Both of these animals are fast but I just read that the Jaguar is the largest and most powerful feline in the Western Hemisphere. That has to count for something. Also, and I quote from Wikipedia (which who knows if it's true) "The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats. This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method with mammals: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain." That's pretty bad ass, I don't care whose home they are in.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 6
Jets at Bills
Logic: The Jets fly into Buffalo only to find that there's nothing worth seeing in Buffalo. People in Buffalo named Bill are still perfectly happy being there.
Pick: Bills
Game 7
Titans at Dolphins
Logic: The Titans of the tuna industry have sent huge fishing expeditions into the sea causing dolphins to get caught in nets.
Pick: Titans
Game 8
Redskins at Texans
Logic:The Tribe were defeated by some Cowboys in Dallas last week and still haven't been able to retreat out of state. They need to get the hell out of there.
Pick: Texans
Game 9
Ravens at Browns
Logic: Ravens have been known to feast on dog feces (wikipedia again!). Dog feces are brown. Somehow I think this is going to come up with whoever the Browns play. How can they win?
Pick: Ravens
Game 10
Giants at Seahawks
Logic: I think Seahawks might actually be a Navy plane. That being said, Giants can swat those things out of the sky. However, if it's a bird that has to swoop down to the ocean to eat some fish, Giants can catch them too.
Pick: Giants
Game 11
Eagles at 49ers
Really the Eagles and the 49ers have a lot in common. The Eagles are a proud symbol of America (i.e, The Bald Eagle) The 49ers went to California in 1849 to seek out fortune in and pursue the most American of dreams through rugged individualism. However, this individualism loses out because as we all know, there is no "I" in team and a nation United is more powerful than a bunch of idiots finding fools gold.
Pick: Eagles
Game 12
Rams at Cardinals
Logic: Sure a Cardinal might think he was safe at home up in his nest. But keep in mind that Rams like to knock into things and are just as likely to bang those big horns into the tree and knock the Cardinal out of his nest. Also, this game is being played close to the Jewish Holidays and people are going to be blowing their Shofars (Rams horns) all over the place. So not only do the rams have horns, but they've got the Hebrew peoples on their side.
pick: Rams
Game 13
Denver at Patriots
Logic: Paul Revere was a Patriot. He loved his country so much that he rode a horse to alert everyone that the British were coming. What kind of horse was it? Hell if I know. But it was a horse and so is a Bronco, so by that logic...Patriots know how to control horseys.
Pick: Patriots
Game 14
Falcons at Saints
Logic: The Saints are at home in God's house (The Superdome) for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. The Lord shall reward them for their patience and faith that their Church of Football would be restored
Pick: Saints
Okay folks, there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 3. Good luck to you, Cousin Larry and Axel Foley. If Balki is wrong Axel might come back and bust him for running an illegal gambling and prostitution ring. I know what you're thinking..."What prostitution ring?" Don't worry your pretty little head about it? Let's just say goats aren't the only beautiful creatures born and bred in Mypos.
Balki's Week 2 Results
9-7
Balki's Season
17-15
# posted by Evan Kessler @ 11:50 PM 
