Friday, September 29, 2006
This week on the Balki system, Balki is very sad because Cousin Larry did not have such a good week and the Vinucci Bros. sports book threatened to break Cousin Larry’s legs because the Balki System just flat out didn’t work last week with a record of 5 Wins and 9 Losses. Luckily for him there wasn’t a full 16 game slate or it could’ve gotten ugly.
In any case, Balki is determined to help you and Cousin Larry get back on your collective feet. I swear he is. Just listen to what was overheard at the Balki System office this week:
Cousin Larry: Balki, I think I have to stop gambling. The Vinucci Brothers said they’re going to break my legs.
Balki: Oh Cosin don’t be ridiculous…the Vinchichi brothers are not going to break your legs. Get out of the city.
Cousin Larry: That’s good advice maybe I should get out of the city. Let’s get Jennifer and Mary Ann and leave until this whole thing blows over.
Balki: Don’t be ridiculous Cousin Larry! We are not be getting out of the city! You know why?!
Cousin Larry: Why?
Balki: Because my mama always told me if you no be succeed…you keep trying to you win again!
Cousin Larry: Balki, if I don’t succeed in leaving town they’re going break both my legs in succession.
Balki: Oh Cosin, Where you going to go? Just relax, everything is okay. We gamble this weekend and everything fixes itself? I tell you Balki system just takes time to prove itself.
END SCENE
And with that, once more in Week 4
Game 1
Cardinals at Falcons
Logic: The Cardinals are a pretty red-bird that eats seeds. The Falcons are the Fastest bird on earth.
Pick: Falcons
Game 2
Cowboys at Titans
Logic: Maybe I’ve been thinking about this Titan thing all wrong, Titans were a deities that preceded the Olympians. They’re not even good enough to be Olympians and most Olympians are amateurs. Maybe the Titans are just lower than amateurs.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 3
Colts at Jets
Logic: Colts are fast horseys, but not as fast as Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 4
Dolphins at Texans
Logic: Dolphins
Dolphins in Texas? You bet, the only dolphin species to be found in Texas is the Atlantic Spotted Dolphin and guess what, it’s a threatened species.
Pick: Texans
Game 5
Vikings at Bills
Logic: Now that the everyone’s using Capital One cards and don’t have to worry about exorbitant credit cart Bills the Vikings had to go get real jobs and talk about it in annoying commercials.
Pick: Bills
Game 6
Saints at Panthers
Logic: The Saints may be blessed with Jesus love but the Panthers are blessed with Claws and Sharp teeth.
Pick: Panthers
Game 7
Chargers at Ravens
Logic: In the battle of a bird versus and electrical current, I’ll take the voltage every time.
Pick: Chargers
Game 8
49ers at Chiefs
Logic: On their out West the 49ers had to pass through the territory of many a proud tribe, but hey, they made it out there so I guess they were successful otherwise the gold rush would’ve been stopped dead in it’s tracks.
Pick: 49ers
Game 9
Lions at Rams
Logic: I don’t care where they fight, or how big the Ram’s horns are…The Lion is eating him.
Pick: Lions
Game 10
Browns at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders will be taking on the color Brown only when it’s over, the Raiders will be covered in Brown and look like they pooped all over themselvese.
Pick: Browns..Really? Sure.)
Game 11
Jaguars at Redskins
Logic: The Jaguars invade the reservation, and I’ve never heard of any Native Americans wearing a Jaguar-skin coat. It’s always Titonka.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 12
Patriots over Bengals
Logic: If Bengal tigers were roaming North America at the time of the Revolutionary war, I think the Brits might never have come. They’re not as easy to tax.
Pick: Bengals
Game 13
Seahawks at Bears
Logic: I’m not sure a bear would fare that well by the Sea but as long as the Seahawk is coming to them, I’d believe the Bear is going to defend his territory. Just look at that Grizzly man guy. If that guy had just been at home, the bears probably would’ve never bothered him.
Pick: Bears
Game 14
Packers at Eagles
Logic: The Packers packed guns this time along with a bagged lunch, but it’s illegal to shoot Eagles. So, they’ll just have to concentrate on eating their lunch while the majestic Eagle flies around above.
Alright, there you have it. The Balki System for Week 4. Let’s hope Balki has a better week of picks and Larry’s legs stay in tact. Have a good week and may all your favorite teams win.
Week 3 Results
5—9
Season Total
22-24
In any case, Balki is determined to help you and Cousin Larry get back on your collective feet. I swear he is. Just listen to what was overheard at the Balki System office this week:
Cousin Larry: Balki, I think I have to stop gambling. The Vinucci Brothers said they’re going to break my legs.
Balki: Oh Cosin don’t be ridiculous…the Vinchichi brothers are not going to break your legs. Get out of the city.
Cousin Larry: That’s good advice maybe I should get out of the city. Let’s get Jennifer and Mary Ann and leave until this whole thing blows over.
Balki: Don’t be ridiculous Cousin Larry! We are not be getting out of the city! You know why?!
Cousin Larry: Why?
Balki: Because my mama always told me if you no be succeed…you keep trying to you win again!
Cousin Larry: Balki, if I don’t succeed in leaving town they’re going break both my legs in succession.
Balki: Oh Cosin, Where you going to go? Just relax, everything is okay. We gamble this weekend and everything fixes itself? I tell you Balki system just takes time to prove itself.
END SCENE
And with that, once more in Week 4
Game 1
Cardinals at Falcons
Logic: The Cardinals are a pretty red-bird that eats seeds. The Falcons are the Fastest bird on earth.
Pick: Falcons
Game 2
Cowboys at Titans
Logic: Maybe I’ve been thinking about this Titan thing all wrong, Titans were a deities that preceded the Olympians. They’re not even good enough to be Olympians and most Olympians are amateurs. Maybe the Titans are just lower than amateurs.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 3
Colts at Jets
Logic: Colts are fast horseys, but not as fast as Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 4
Dolphins at Texans
Logic: Dolphins
Dolphins in Texas? You bet, the only dolphin species to be found in Texas is the Atlantic Spotted Dolphin and guess what, it’s a threatened species.
Pick: Texans
Game 5
Vikings at Bills
Logic: Now that the everyone’s using Capital One cards and don’t have to worry about exorbitant credit cart Bills the Vikings had to go get real jobs and talk about it in annoying commercials.
Pick: Bills
Game 6
Saints at Panthers
Logic: The Saints may be blessed with Jesus love but the Panthers are blessed with Claws and Sharp teeth.
Pick: Panthers
Game 7
Chargers at Ravens
Logic: In the battle of a bird versus and electrical current, I’ll take the voltage every time.
Pick: Chargers
Game 8
49ers at Chiefs
Logic: On their out West the 49ers had to pass through the territory of many a proud tribe, but hey, they made it out there so I guess they were successful otherwise the gold rush would’ve been stopped dead in it’s tracks.
Pick: 49ers
Game 9
Lions at Rams
Logic: I don’t care where they fight, or how big the Ram’s horns are…The Lion is eating him.
Pick: Lions
Game 10
Browns at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders will be taking on the color Brown only when it’s over, the Raiders will be covered in Brown and look like they pooped all over themselvese.
Pick: Browns..Really? Sure.)
Game 11
Jaguars at Redskins
Logic: The Jaguars invade the reservation, and I’ve never heard of any Native Americans wearing a Jaguar-skin coat. It’s always Titonka.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 12
Patriots over Bengals
Logic: If Bengal tigers were roaming North America at the time of the Revolutionary war, I think the Brits might never have come. They’re not as easy to tax.
Pick: Bengals
Game 13
Seahawks at Bears
Logic: I’m not sure a bear would fare that well by the Sea but as long as the Seahawk is coming to them, I’d believe the Bear is going to defend his territory. Just look at that Grizzly man guy. If that guy had just been at home, the bears probably would’ve never bothered him.
Pick: Bears
Game 14
Packers at Eagles
Logic: The Packers packed guns this time along with a bagged lunch, but it’s illegal to shoot Eagles. So, they’ll just have to concentrate on eating their lunch while the majestic Eagle flies around above.
Alright, there you have it. The Balki System for Week 4. Let’s hope Balki has a better week of picks and Larry’s legs stay in tact. Have a good week and may all your favorite teams win.
Week 3 Results
5—9
Season Total
22-24
# posted by Evan Kessler @ 1:20 PM 
