Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Last weekend was proof of just how well the Balki System works. Balki and Larry were having problems with electricity so they passed the picks on to their Russian counterparts Andrei and Ivan and just like that...9 wins, 7 losses. A victory for the Balki System, albeit a marginal one. Nonetheless the proof is in the pudding or picking. Balki and Larry are back on track this week and ready to do some damage. The following was overheard in the Balki System offices this following this weekend's slate of games.
Balki: Oh, Cosin...I so happy we take week off from making picks. I had not seen Maryann in so long my marbles were turning the color of a goat's testicles when he has not been having with a woman.
Larry: I know what you mean Balki. Jennifer really made it worth my while to spend a weekend away from the television.
Balki: This weekend Maryann and I make plans to bake a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.
Larry: ...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?
Balki: Bingo!
Larry: Better not, buddy.
Balki: ...bummer.
Larry: Bitter, Balki?
Balki: You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby!
Larry: Balki, buddy, baby! Better be the best Balki you can be for betting the ball games! We need to pick winners! We can't fool around with Baking. Not with a full slate of games starting on Thursday.
Balki: But...
Larry: No buts...Just win, Balki!
END SCENE (some of which was lifted from actual show dialogue)
Now it's time to check out the slate for Week 12 and let the Balki System work its magic:
Game 1
Dolphins at Lions
Let's see...a Dolphin dried up laying in the Lion's den... on Thanksgiving no less! There's only one way to go here...
Pick: Lions
Game 2
Broncos at Chiefs
The Chiefs don't have much to be thankful for after the white man robbed them of their land and stuck them in Missouri. The Chiefs are at home and don't want to lose another bit of land to a bunch of horses.
Pick: Chiefs
Game 3
Buccaneers at Cowboys
The Bucs come a swashbucklin' into Texas but the Cowboy's come out a shootin'.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 4
Steelers at Ravens
Many of the Steelers didn't get the proper education and as a result are illiterate and have never read "The Raven". Which is quite the same because it's quite the harrowing tale.
Pick: Ravens
Game 5
Saints at Falcons
No matter how fast and high the Falcons can fly it's not as high as the exalted ruler the Saints answer to.
Pick: Saints
Game 6
Jaguars at Bills
I think Jaguars would eat a guy named Bill. Even if he were really likeable. I think I've used this reasoning somewhere before.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 7
Texans at Jets
Once again, the Texans stray far from home...New York to be exact and get burned up in the heat coming off the Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 8
Bengals at Browns
A big fierce cat beats a color even if that color is worn by UPS guys.
Pick: Bengals
Game 9
Panthers at Redskins
The Panther raid on sacred Redskin ground might force the Skins to stay in their teepees until they leave.
Pick: Panthers
Game 10
Cardinals at Vikings
The pretty red bird is simply too oblivious to the debaucherous conquering ways of the Viking. The Vikings would be all conquering and stuff and the Cardinal would just be sitting there all defenseless like. You know what Imean.
Pick: Vikings
Game 11
49ers at Rams
The Rams may be charging full steam ahead at these gold miners but the 49ers probably have some pick axes with a bit of reach and they may not be afraid to use them.
Pick: 49ers (why not?)
Game 12
Raiders at Chargers
The Raiders enter San Diego covered in a whole lot of metal armor hell bent on pillaging the down but the Chargers are aware that the Raiders uniforms conduct electricity and are therefore easy targets.
Pick: Chargers
Game 13
Giants at Titans
Titans and Giants are virutally the same thing. They're both Mythological to some extent. I can't pick a tie though...
Pick: Giants
Game 14
Bears at Patriots
Everyone knows if you punch a bear in the nose they run away. Or is that a shark? Oh...I think that's a shark.
Pick: Bears
Game 15
Eagles at Colts
A healthy Colts is certainly more effective than an Eagle with it's head cut off.
Pick: Colts
Game 16
Packers at Seahawks
The Packers packed their raingear for the miserable weather of the pacific coast.
Pick: packers
Alright there you have it....The Balki System...Trudging along through another week. After going 9-7 last week Balki and Larry take their record to 91-69
Balki: Oh, Cosin...I so happy we take week off from making picks. I had not seen Maryann in so long my marbles were turning the color of a goat's testicles when he has not been having with a woman.
Larry: I know what you mean Balki. Jennifer really made it worth my while to spend a weekend away from the television.
Balki: This weekend Maryann and I make plans to bake a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.
Larry: ...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?
Balki: Bingo!
Larry: Better not, buddy.
Balki: ...bummer.
Larry: Bitter, Balki?
Balki: You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby!
Larry: Balki, buddy, baby! Better be the best Balki you can be for betting the ball games! We need to pick winners! We can't fool around with Baking. Not with a full slate of games starting on Thursday.
Balki: But...
Larry: No buts...Just win, Balki!
END SCENE (some of which was lifted from actual show dialogue)
Now it's time to check out the slate for Week 12 and let the Balki System work its magic:
Game 1
Dolphins at Lions
Let's see...a Dolphin dried up laying in the Lion's den... on Thanksgiving no less! There's only one way to go here...
Pick: Lions
Game 2
Broncos at Chiefs
The Chiefs don't have much to be thankful for after the white man robbed them of their land and stuck them in Missouri. The Chiefs are at home and don't want to lose another bit of land to a bunch of horses.
Pick: Chiefs
Game 3
Buccaneers at Cowboys
The Bucs come a swashbucklin' into Texas but the Cowboy's come out a shootin'.
Pick: Cowboys
Game 4
Steelers at Ravens
Many of the Steelers didn't get the proper education and as a result are illiterate and have never read "The Raven". Which is quite the same because it's quite the harrowing tale.
Pick: Ravens
Game 5
Saints at Falcons
No matter how fast and high the Falcons can fly it's not as high as the exalted ruler the Saints answer to.
Pick: Saints
Game 6
Jaguars at Bills
I think Jaguars would eat a guy named Bill. Even if he were really likeable. I think I've used this reasoning somewhere before.
Pick: Jaguars
Game 7
Texans at Jets
Once again, the Texans stray far from home...New York to be exact and get burned up in the heat coming off the Jets.
Pick: Jets
Game 8
Bengals at Browns
A big fierce cat beats a color even if that color is worn by UPS guys.
Pick: Bengals
Game 9
Panthers at Redskins
The Panther raid on sacred Redskin ground might force the Skins to stay in their teepees until they leave.
Pick: Panthers
Game 10
Cardinals at Vikings
The pretty red bird is simply too oblivious to the debaucherous conquering ways of the Viking. The Vikings would be all conquering and stuff and the Cardinal would just be sitting there all defenseless like. You know what Imean.
Pick: Vikings
Game 11
49ers at Rams
The Rams may be charging full steam ahead at these gold miners but the 49ers probably have some pick axes with a bit of reach and they may not be afraid to use them.
Pick: 49ers (why not?)
Game 12
Raiders at Chargers
The Raiders enter San Diego covered in a whole lot of metal armor hell bent on pillaging the down but the Chargers are aware that the Raiders uniforms conduct electricity and are therefore easy targets.
Pick: Chargers
Game 13
Giants at Titans
Titans and Giants are virutally the same thing. They're both Mythological to some extent. I can't pick a tie though...
Pick: Giants
Game 14
Bears at Patriots
Everyone knows if you punch a bear in the nose they run away. Or is that a shark? Oh...I think that's a shark.
Pick: Bears
Game 15
Eagles at Colts
A healthy Colts is certainly more effective than an Eagle with it's head cut off.
Pick: Colts
Game 16
Packers at Seahawks
The Packers packed their raingear for the miserable weather of the pacific coast.
Pick: packers
Alright there you have it....The Balki System...Trudging along through another week. After going 9-7 last week Balki and Larry take their record to 91-69
# posted by Evan Kessler @ 7:06 PM 
