The Balki System

Cousin Larry needs help making picks for his work football pool and so do you. Who better to help you than that Meaposian Master of Pigskin Prognostication, Balki Bartokomous.

If you have no idea what I'm referring to than you've never seen Perfect Strangers and perhaps you should move along. If you're still here than maybe you remember a certain episode of everyone's favorite 80's ABC Sitcom "Perfect Strangers" in which Larry (played by Mark Linn Baker) has to make Football picks and Balki (not played by an actor but actually played by himself a former Goat Herder from land of Meapos) uses his own form of logic to help him make winning football picks.

This logic is as follows using a random example:
Bengals vs. Cardinals - who would win in a fight or if they went head to head A Bengal Tiger or a little chirpy Cardinal. My money is on the Bengals.

Of course this process always becomes difficult with certain teams like the Saints who would seem to have the power of God on their side but when face to face with a Lion armed only with the weapon of faith might need a few more miracles to pull something out.

That's what this blog, The Balki System is all about...helping you make winning football picks using Balki's foolproof method. Winning your office pool, therefore causing you to do the dance of joy!

So seeing as week 1 is upon us, let's get into it:
Game 1

Dolphins vs. Steelers
Logic: Dolphins are perhaps the smartest mammals on the planet. They speak their own language (audibles) that most Steel Workers cannot understand. Nevermind that Dolphins live in an entirely different element than Steel Workers and the Steel Workers are at home. Dolphins are smart enough to make that work for them, plus did you see Jaws 3? Didn't dolphins have something to do with putting the Kaybosh on that evil Great White Monster? I might be wrong about that one. Anyway, Roethlisberger is out for the game with appendicitis.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 2:
Buccaneers vs. Ravens
Logic: The Buccaneers are Pirates. The Ravens are a bird. It's extremely hard to go against a Pirate. They're ruthless and say things like "Shiver me timbers" and "Argh!" and drink rum. The Ravens only say "nevermore".

Pick:Buccaneers

Game 3:
Saints vs. Browns
Logic: God is on the Saints side. However, The Saints are not in God's house also known as the Superdome. Brown is a color. This is a tough one, a lot of things are Brown. People, Trees, Puppies, Carpet, Wood paneling, fecal matter. However, I can't think of one brown thing that would beat having God on your side. Especially if you're playing like fecal matter.

Pick: Saints

Game 4:
Falcons vs. Panthers
Logic: Another no brainer in regards to a bird. The Panthers are at home in their den or wherever Panthers live and when a Falcon is in the den of a fierce cat like a Panther or even a puma for that matter but we're not talking about Pumas I guess, the Falcon is in more trouble than the Panther. If this one were fought in a Falcon nest it would be a whole different story...maybe.

Pick: Panthers

Game 5
Seattle vs. Detroit
Logic: The Seahawks are way too far inland, in fact nowhere near a sea and again it's the story of a Bird in a Lion's Den. However, it's going to be close because Matt Millen's team is involved.

Pick: Lions

Game 6
Eagles vs. Texans
Logic: As the old adage goes, don't mess with Texans...er...Texas. Most Texans own guns and can therefore shoot Eagles out of the sky.

Pick: Texans

Game 7
Jets vs. Titans
Logic: A Titan is definted as "any of the primordial giant gods who ruled the Earth until overthrown by Zeus", On one hand the fact that it took Zeus to overthrow the Titans is pretty bad ass. On the other hand I wonder with modern technology if all it would take to the throttle the Titans is something "Jet" powered. Hmmm...this one's a washout as far as I can tell. I'm going with the myth. Plus is in their house, aptly title Adelphia Coliseum, even though I think Adelphia is just the cable system.

Pick: Titans

Game 8
Bengals vs. Chiefs

Logic: Chief respects nature. Bengals are part of nature. Chief and his tribe hope to live in harmony with Bengal tiger. Sometimes Bengal tiger comes into village and eats small children.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Broncos vs. Rams
Logic: Rams are male sheep. Everyone knows sheep are followers and can't make decisions for themselves. However, Rams also have those big nasty looking horns and when they meet with a Bucking Bronco this makes for a fierce battle. Time to go to intangibles...Ram is also a verb meaning to force by heavy blows. A Bronco is a car in which OJ sped down the freeway with A.C. in.

Pick: Rams

Game 10
Bills Vs. Patriots
Logic: The Patriots are from New England, they're the original colonists, they love America. They're kind of like a mix between Pirates and Pilgrims. They raped the land, killed the Native Americans, and made this country their own. They eat Buffalo burgers for lunch after hunting them down.

Edge: Patriots

Game 11
Cowboys vs. Jaguars
Logic: This depends on what kind of Cowboy we're talking about since I don't think all Cowboys naturally carry guns and they've taken a reputation hit since Brokeback Mountain. If we're talking about the lassoing, "cowboys are frequenty secretly (fond of each other)" kind of Cowboy, this is quite the mismatch. Especially, since I don't think Jaguars will appreciate being lassoed. If the Cowboys were called the Poachers I might feel differently.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 12
Bears vs. Packers
Logic: Okay, a big grizzly bear vs. a guy who works on the loading dock. Moving right along

Pick: Bears

Game 13
49ers vs Cardinals
Logic: 49ers moved to California looking for gold in 1849. Now they're all dead. Cardinals are an ongoing species of bird. Really even if I put them on the same plane of existence they would probably just ignore each other. Really they're just interested in different things.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 14
Colts vs. Giants
Logic: Giants are huge. If they tried to ride a Colt, the Colt would be crushed. It would also take a lot of Colt 45 to get a Giant drunk.

Pick: Giants

Game 15
Vikings vs. Redskins
Logic: Let's forget for a second that Redskins is a politically incorrect term. If Leif Eriksson and his fellow Norsemen wandered onto the Reservation, they would most certainly be scalped or roasted over an open fire. Or Daniel Snyder would just buy them. Is it becoming apparent that I'm tired of coming up with reasons yet?

Pick: Redskins

Game 16
Chargers vs. Raiders
Logic: Lightning Bolts would electrocute Raiders. The Raiders are sort of Pirate-y pillagers right?

Pick: Chargers


Okay, that does it for The Balki System Week 1 picks. Check back next week to see How Cousin Larry did in his office pool. Also, if you have any comments, post away!