The Balki System

2007-02-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

Balki and Larry seemed to have proved their point with a successful season using "The Balki System". They took the playoffs off because frankly, Larry didn't want to jinx the Bears chances being a good Chicagoan and all. However, now they've made it to Super Bowl XLI (That's 41 for all you non-Romans, but when in Rome... or the NFL...)

It's inching closer to game time and the crudité is just about be broken into here at the Balki System Super Bowl Bash. However, Larry and Balki have yet to make their final pick...Let's listen in as they deliberate.

Balki: Cosin' isn't this so exciting. The Bears of Chicago have made it the Super Cup... I want to do the dance of joy!

Larry: Balki, it's the Super Bowl and it is exciting but this is a tough matchup. The Bears are no shoe-in to win.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous, whoever though of putting a shoe in a bowl...

Larry: That's not what I mean. They're not guaranteed to win. Sure they've got good defense, but Peyton Manning is one of the best quarterbacks in the league and Rex Grossman, not so much.

Balki: Relax...Cosin...we never let any that bother us before. We just pick based on mascots, remember.

Larry: You're right Balki, and not many things can beat a Bear. Yeah but a Colt....hmmm.

Balki: Yes, I think maybe a Colt might beat a bear. All a Colts has to do to beat Bear is just get a running start and then stomp right over it. It would be over. No time for the Bear to rip it's limbs off.

Larry: Interesting point, Balki but if they're standing head to head...

Balki: No Cosin...I still the the Colt gets on his legs and punch our Bears right in the nose?

Larry: I think you're right...there's no way around it....plus a Colt is a type of gun.

Balki: Do you know how many bears are shot a year in Mypos.

Larry: Not sure Balki, a lot?

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka.

Larry: So I guess we're going to have to go with the Colts.

Balki: Yes, Cosin' Lari.

Larry: Well, I hope we're wrong...GO BEARS!!!

Balki: Even if we lose, we will do the dance of joy for a yob well done.

Larry: Balki, you bet your bibby bobka.

SUPER BOWL XLI
Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts
Pick: Indianapolis Colts

2006-12-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been one hell of a ride but the 1st regular season of the Balki System is all but over. We've had our ups and downs, but Larry and Balki have managed to come out on top most weeks. Even when they let their Russian counterparts have a crack it and last week let Jennifer and Maryann give their take on it. Balki and Larry's ladies went 8 and 8 but this week for Week 17 Balki and Larry are retaking the reigns before they ride off into the sunset on the 2006 NFL Season. The following was overheard at the offices of The Balki System this week.

Balki: Oh cosin Larry, I so happy we bet on football together. I had so much fun.

Larry: Yeah Balki, we really made a difference to those compulsive gamblers all across the country.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we did!

Larry: I don't know what I'm going to do without football betting until next September.

Balki: Maybe we can go to Mypos and bet on the goat herding competition.

Larry: Y'know Balki, a trip to Mypos isn't a bad idea, but lets leave the betting for next season.

Balki: I can't wait to tell Jennifer and Maryann we're going to Mypos together.

Larry: Balki, you're not going to tell them anything, I want to surprise them. Let's pack their bags, and blindfold them until they get off the plain.

Balki: Cosin, don't be ridiculos the trip to Mypos will take 22 hours.

Larry: Fine then we'll unblindfold them on the plane and we'll do the mile high dance of joy, if you know what I mean.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we will.

END SCENE

Week 17 Picks

Game 1
Giants at Redskins
Redskins are apparently Indians and the only thing that comes to mind is that 10 little indians song where they all just disappear one by one and they weren't even dealing with Giants.

Pick: Giants

Game 2
Panthers at Saints
The Panthers travel down to the House of the Saints but without opposable thumbs they can't open the doors.

Pick: Saints

Game 3
Browns at Texans
Brown is a color that is identified with a lot of the natural landscape of Texas. However, the Texans are used to that so they don't let it bother them.

Pick: Texans

Game 4
Lions at Cowboys
The Cowboys may be good at roping steer but a Lion ain't no moo cow.

Pick: Lions

Game 5
Jaguars at Chiefs
Jaguars can outrun the Chief and he can bite.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 6
Patriots at Titans
Everywhere the Patriots go in America they love just as much as the last place.

Pick: Patriots

Game 7
Raiders at Jets
The Raiders can try to invade the Jets territory but they most likely don't have the firepower to match the Jets throttle

Pick: Jets

Game 8
Steelers at Bengals'
The Blue Collar Steelers are quite out of place out in the jungle, for the Bengal tigers there's no place like home.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Seahawks at Buccaneers
The Seahawks are just looking for fish while the Bucs are looking forward to pillaging and drinking rum.

Picks: Bucs

Game 10
Rams at Vikings
It's a mightly clash when these Norsemen meet up with the these horned sheep but I think I'll go with Vikings.

Picks: Vikings

Game 11
Falcons at Eagles
Eagles have homenest advantage and they stand for America.

Pick: Eagles

Game 12
Ravens at Bills
I got nothing.

Pick: Ravens

Game 13
Dolphins at Colts
Once again, Dolphins on dry land...not happening.

Pick: Colts

Game 14
Cardinals at Chargers
Many a Cardinal has been electrocuted while sitting on a power line.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
49ers at Broncos
The 49ers rode them horses out west during the gold rush so they know how to ride 'em

Pick: 49ers

Game 16
Packers at Bears
Nothing the Packers could Pack could prepare them for entering the bear's den.

Pick: Bears

Alright, that's week 17. I totally mailed it in for the last week. Good luck to you and your teams. I hope they're in the playoffs but if not there's always next year. Special thanks to Axel Foley, Omarossa, Melanie Griffith, Andrei, Ivan, Jennifer, Maryann and everyone else who helped make the Balki System such a non success.

WEEK 17 RESULTS
8-8

SEASON
139-101

2006-12-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

The Balki System is the runaway freight train of Football Predictions. Another astonishing week of picks for Larry and Balki has the cousins eyeing other adventures. Larry is looking at buying a Mansion in Lake Forest and Balki wants to move the operation to a simple farm. Jennifer and Maryann think they should all buy a huge mansion with a farm so it would be the best of both worlds and they could live together and carry on with their own separate interests. It's really the practical solution. The lady friends certainly complete their gentlemen. In any case, Balki and Larry are so rich they're practically in the "I'm Keith Hernandez" zone. So they decided to have Jennifer and Maryann to make this weeks picks. Balki and Larry told them to pick the teams based on whose uniforms they like better. So, we're skipping the dialogue this week and getting straight to the picks, because frankly, it's wednesday and I'm in a hurry to write this before Thursday's game.

Maryann, Jennifer, Larry, and Balki size up a potential new home

So without further ado, Week 16 in the NFL picks based on uniforms.

Game 1
Vikings at Packers
The Vikings someone pull off the Purple Uniforms whereas the Green G inside the center of the Yellow Helmet just looks plain ugly and outdated.

Pick: Vikings

Game 2
Chiefs at Raiders
Red looks okay on the Chiefs but all girls like bad boys which is what the Silver and Black make the Raiders out to be.

Pick: Raiders

Game 3
Ravens at Steelers
The Ravens copied the Vikings with their color purple. It's the equivalent of wearing the same dress to a party. Luckily they're both not playing on Sunday. The Steelers are simple with the 3 diamond things on their helmet. Though I'm not quite sure what they are, Ladies like the diamonds.

Pick: Steelers

Game 4
Panthers at Falcons
The Panthers wear teal which hasn't been cool since the mid 90's. It's just an awful color.

Pick: Falcons

Game 5
Bears at Lions
The Bears outfits are like the business suits of uniforms. They are plain, simple, and classy. The Orange C is like a nice tie. The lions with their Silver and Blue just look silly.

Pick: Bears

Game 6
Colts at Texans
The horseshoe is a nice lucky charm. A red white and blue bull helmet doesn't really do anything for me.

Pick: Colts

Game 7
Patriots at Jaguars
I don't like either of these teams uniforms. There's too many colors going on with the Patriots. The Red, White, Blue, and Silver should just be red white and blue. Instead of just being the Patriots they're flashy patriots. The Jaguars have the misfortune of having a teal-like color which is an automatic disqualification.

Pick: Patriots

Game 8
Saints at Giants
The Copper shine of the saints helmets is blinding. The Giants uniforms are simple and fashionable and could have just as easily been fashionable in the 1950's and the 21st Century.

Pick: Giants

Game 9
Bucs at Browns
The Browns look like dog poop in the back yard when they run around the football field in their brown uniforms. Nobody should want to look like poop.

Pick: Bucs

Game 10
Titans at Bills
The titans have two tones of Blue that don't look at all together.

Pick: Bills

Game 11
Redskins at Rams
The Redskins uniforms are racist and the Rams have those cool hypnotizing swirly blue and yellow patterned helmets. That's fun.

Pick: Rams

Game 12
Cardinals at 49ers
The Cardinals have a cute bird on the helmet. The 49ers just have the letters SF. How creative is that?

Pick: Cardinals

Game 13
Bengals at Broncos
The Bengals helmets remind me of Zubazz pants. That was a bad trend.

Pick: Broncos

Game 14
Chargers at Seahawks
I think the Seahawks helmet has some ugly bird with some weird grayish blue color. The Chargers have a lightning bolt. That's kind of excitement.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
Eagles at Cowboys
The Cowboys helmets look like sheriffs badge. Law enforcement = power. Chicks dig powerful men and helmets.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 16
Jets at Dolphins
The Dolphins helmet is just a dolphin jumping through a hoop. It's condoning the exploitation of animals for monetary purposes. That is just plain wrong. I'm calling PETA.

Pick: Jets

Last Week
11-5

Season
131-93

2006-12-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

Just incase you didn't read the tabloids, Balki dumped Omarossa and Melanie Griffith is back with Antonio Banderas after a brief fling with Larry Appleton. Luckily for them, Jennifer and Maryann are understanding girlfriends and knew that the new girlfriends were just a result of money going to the cousins' heads. Balki and Larry were quite successful last week, so the fact they finished 10-6 last week and continue to rake in the dough didn't hurt the girls' decision to take them back. The boys have plenty of money and they've decided to hitch their hearts to the girls that knew them before all the fame and fortune.

The following was overheard at the offices of the Balki System this week:

Balki: Oh cosin Lari. I so happy we decide to go back with the girls. I could do the dance of joy right now!

Larry: Save that for city hall after the ceremony. By the way Balki...that suit you're wearing is ridiculous.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous...This is traditional Myposian wedding garb.

Larry: Once Maryann sees you in that get up she'll run right out of city hall.

Balki: Well, before we get her to city hall we have to propose first.

Larry: Right, well here's the plan. We go over their apartment in our wedding outfits. We'll propose. They'll say yes, and then we'll go to City Hall and get married in a spontaneous manner.

Balki: What if they say no?

Larry: Do you really think they can resist this spontaneous plan?

Balki: Oh cosin Lari don't be ridiculos...of course it will work. But there is one thing we have to do beforehand.

Larry: What's that?

Balki: We must make our picks for week 15 there's a game this Thursday.

Larry: You know what, you're right. Maybe we are rushing into this. Let's stop for a second, take a deep breath, make our picks and we'll save the spontaneous thing for after the football season when we can plan it better. Are you in?

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka.

END SCENE

Alright, time for Week 15 picks...we're winding down the regular season.

Game 1
49ers at Seahawks
There's no gold in them thar hills for the 49ers but there is a lot of rain.

Pick: Seahawks

Game 2
Cowboys at Falcons
The Falcons are a fast bird but the Cowboys can rely on the speed of their horse and guns to keep the falcons at bay.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 3
Browns at Ravens
The Ravens used to be Browns and the Browns used to be nothing. The Ravens evolved. So until the Browns turn into the Ravens they'll just be Browns.

Pick: Ravens

Game 4
Lions at Packers
The Lions wandered onto the Packers loading dock which to say the least is a peculiar sight in Wisconsin. There's a reason that Lions are kings of the Jungle and not the frozen tundra.

Pick: Packers

Game 5
Texans at Patriots
This one's tough because they're very similar opponents. In the grand scheme of things this is "Don't Mess With Texas" vs. "America, Fuck Yeah!". Texas is encompassed in the latter so I say the Patriots have got more of a backing.

Pick: Patriots

Game 6
Dolphins at Bills
Dolphins belong in the Water, not in Buffalo.

Pick: Bills

Game 7
Steelers at Panthers
The Blue Collar Steelers want to put food on the table for their families but while visiting the Panthers they are the food on the table.

Pick: Panthers

Game 8
Bucs at Bears
The Pirates come to pillage the bear den unfortunately, Mr. Grizzly doesn't start hibernating for another week. Plus there's not much in the way of booty to pillage.

Pick: Bears

Game 9
Redskins at Saints
If the Native Americans are going to visit the holy christian man in his house of worship than I think the Holy Christian man has already won.

Pick:Saints

Game 10
Broncos at Cardinals
I suppose the Bucking Bronco can kick a tree so hard that the cardinal and his nest fall out of their home. That would be sad but just because it's sad doesn't mean it can't happen. Nature is cruel.

Pick: Broncos

Game 11
Eagles at Giants
The majestic Eagle flies to the top of the beanstalk and sits pridefully perched atop. The towering Giant looks down and decides that Fried Eagle would make a nice substitute for the Fried Chicken his wife forgot to make.

Pick: Giants

Game 12
Rams at Raiders
The Rams rush into Oakland's home head first and knock that door right down. What happens after...well you'll just have to read the line below where I make my pick.

Pick: Rams

Game 13
Jaguars at Titans
The mythical giants are starting to show that perhaps they're not an old Greek or Roman Wives tale and Jaguars don't exist on Mt. Olympus or wherever the damn Titans were clashing.

Pick: Titans

Game 14
Jets at Vikings
The Vikings use a antiquated attack by sea method wheras the Jets are part of a technologically advanced air strike that can be an unexpected surprise.

Pick: Jets

Game 15
Chiefs at Chargers
The Chief prays for rain and considers lightning and thunder a sign from the gods. For the Chargers, they bring the lightning alright, just consider them gods.

Pick: Chargers

Game 16
Bengals at Colts
I'll take the bengal tiger over a horsey any time. Call me crazy but that's just me. I mean did you see what those things did to Siegfriend and Roy...or was it just Siegfried? Or maybe it was just Roy.

Pick: Bengals

Alright well there you have it...The picks for Week 15. Let's hope this one is as fruitful as the last for Balki and Larry and good luck to you and your teams.

Week 14
10-6

Season
120-88

2006-12-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

We’ve made it 14 weeks into the NFL Season and despite our early struggles it looks like the Balki System is passing muster. Sure, we had our trying times. There was one point in the season that we thought we were going to have to go on the lam from our bookie. We even went to a secret log cabin hideaway for a few days. We held out and things blew over and now we’ve hit the big time of Pigskin Prediction.

Yes, even the well known Prognosticators have bowed their heads in reverence to the Balki System. The Balki System has even managed to get Balki and Larry new celebrity girlfriends. That’s right they ditched those sorry asses Jennifer and Maryann and they’ve been seen around town with the likes of Omarossa and Melanie Griffith (amongst others) respectively. They even brought them into the offices to take a look at their operation.

Larry and his luscious ladies

Balki and his bitching beauty

The following conversation was overheard at the Balki System offices this week:

Larry: So ladies, this is where the magic happens

MG: In the hallway?

Larry: I was talking about the entire office.

MG: My magic happens usually in the bed…or a hat….with Antonio Banderas.

OMS: So how much money do you guys rake in? I’m sure I could come in and make this a ship shape operation.

Balki: Don’t be ridiculos Omarossa? You no have to do work. Larry and I make business but we bring winnings home to you and treat you nice.

OMS: That’s not good enough for me. I want to see paperwork, stat. I need to see what kind of operation your running. I’m going to turn this place upside down.

Larry: You just wait a second Omarossa. Balki and I started this. It’s our business.

OMS: You need what every business needs.

Balki: What’s that?

OMS: A bitch runnin’ it.

Larry: You have got to dump her Balki.

OMS: You bet your bibby bobka.

END SCENE

Alright onto the Week 14 picks:

Game 1
Browns at Steelers
Men of Steel vs. Men of Brown.

Pick: Steelers

Game 2
Falcons at Buccaneers
The falcons are a fast bird. The Buccaneers are pirates. Pirates enjoy have the Birds on their shoulders and in general...or at least until one of them decides to peck on of their eyes out, forcing them to wear one of them thar patches.

Pick: Falcons

Game 3
Ravens at Chiefs
The Ravens hang around the reservation to feast on the meat that the Chiefs people leaves behind. That is to say, the Chief gets all the choice pickins.

Pick: Chiefs

Game 4
Colts at Jaguars
Colts are pretty damn fast, Jaguars are pretty damn fast. Jaguars bite.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 5
Giants at Panthers
No matter how placid the Giant is when he comes down the beanstalk most things run away or run the risk of getting stomped on. I suppose Panthers are no different unless there's a bunch of crazy military planes shooting at the Giant as well.

Pick: Giants

Game 6
Vikings at Lions
The Vikings never managed to conquer any land in Africa and it's a good thing because I have a feeling the king of the Jungle wouldn't have taken too kindly to their presence.

Pick: Lions

Game 7
Patriots at Dolphins
The Patriots don't stand a chance if the Dolphins are swimming in international waters. There's just nothing there worth fighting for.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 8
Raiders at Bengals
Normally when the Raiders invade other territories they pillage people not a bunch of hulking angry cats. Runawaaaaaaay....Runawaaaaay!

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Eagles at Redskins
The white man has taken all of the tribes land but that does not mean the tribe has lost dominion with nature in his own home.

Pick: Redskins

Game 10
Titans at Texans
The Texans are in Texas. Home is where the heart is and as the old adage goes "Don't Mess With Texas".

Pick: Texans

Game 11
Packers at 49ers
I hear San Francisco is nice this year. Not too warm, not too cold. The Packers are prepared as they packed a nice autumn sweater and their helmets for hitting.

Pick: Packers

Game 12
Seahawks at Cardinals
In the matchup of the week one bird takes on another bird. However, the Cardinals don't have to leave their nest if they don't want to. They totally stored up enough food for 3 hours of harassment.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 13
Bills at Jets
A bunch of Bills drove 6 hours down to New York and they are exhausted. They could've flown but the Jets wouldn't let them.

Pick: Jets

Game 14
Broncos at Chargers
The Broncos are basically running into a power line this weekend, and if you remember anything your mother told you, she most certainly told you to stay away from power lines.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
Saints at Cowboys
There are two types of people in this world, Saints and Cowboys. The Cowboys don't belong in a church and the Saints down belong on the trail. Git along little Catholic.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 16
Bears at Rams
I think every animal is fundamentally afraid of Bears.

Pick: Bears

Alright folks there you have it. The Balki System for Week 14 of the NFL season. Larry and Balki and Omarossa and Melanie Griffith wish you and your teams the best of luck.

Week 13 10-6 Season 110-82

2006-11-29T20:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. The Balki System is a hit! So much so that TV Guide felt it necessary to interview Larry and Balki after another great week of picking. Sure 9 wins and 7 losses isn't the best week for Larry and Balki but if they would've had a losing week they might not have run the article at all. Here's an excerpt:

TV Guide: So Larry and Balki...you are the hottest football forecasters this side of Chicago, what is your secret?

Larry: Well, I have to say...it was my idea that Balki and I should enter a football pool. I knew we could run the table and really be a huge success.

TV Guide: Balki? What do you say to that?

Balki: Don't be ridiculous...Cosin' Larry had no idea who to pick. He never even follow football until Mr. Gorpley geeve him an entry form into Football water.

Larry: He means pool. And I've always been a Bears fan. I just wanted to involve my cousin in something we could do together so I let him pick. The NFL is so unpredictable these days that making picks every week is impossible.

TVG: For our readers, Balki, explain the Balki System.

Larry: Well, it's simple really...

Balki: Hold on Cosin', I believe it's called the Balki System and she ask me how it work.

Larry: Fine.

Balki: Well, I just look at two teams names and I pretend the two animals or types of people are in fight. Then I decide who win in a fight based on what I know of those animals or mascots.

TVG: Doesn't this get redundant since most teams are named after Cats or Birds?

Larry: Listen TV Guide person, this is a highly complex system...if it were that simple, we wouldn't have as good a record as we do.

TVG: Sounds pretty simple to me.

Balki: I show you with Week 13 picks.

TVG: Okay, Dazzle me.

END EXCERPT

Alright, now it's time for the Week 13 picks:

Game 1
Ravens at Bengals
I think a Bengal could pounce on a raven before it could fly away. Those things are strong and fast.

Pick: Bengals

Game 2
Cardinals at Rams
Cardinals don't really do anything but chirp and the Rams tendency to ram things works in it's favor.

Pick: Rams

Game 3
Falcons at Redskins
If someone has sunburn it makes it really hard to move with much fluidity. The Falcon is a fast bird who does not get sunburn

Pick: Falcons

Game 4
Lions at Patriots
Lions are proud and protective of their home...as are Patriots. Patriots aren't animal control experts but if a Lion moseys into America, better believe the Patriots will fight to the death to defend it.

Pick: Patriots

Game 5
Colts at Titans
Titans are large mythical beings, Colts are horses that actually exist. Um...I think we've done this one before. I'll go with the one that actually exists.

Pick: Colts

Game 6
Chiefs at Browns
All of the Chiefs people are encouraged to make healthy Brown bowel movements after dinner. However, they have the decency to bury them somewhere on the reservation.

Pick: Chiefs

Game 7
Vikings at Bears
The Weather is just starting to get cold. The Bears are weeks away from beginning to hibernate and they need to feast on something. Vikings are just as tasty as other types of mammals. They all taste like chicken anyway.

Pick: Bears

Game 8
Jets at Packers
The Packers are at home so they can't use their powers of packing to their advantage. The Jets on the other hand needed to use their special talent to high tail it to Wisconsin and still have some fuel in the tank.

Pick: Jets

Game 9
Chargers at Bills
"If you're going to keep charging, you're going to have to pay your bills" (actual 'Perfect Strangers' quote)

Pick: Bills

Game 10
49ers at Saints
The 49ers put their love of money ahead of their faith in god during the California Gold Rush. They don't give a damn about any Saints. Then again, they com from a city named after St. Francis.

Pick: Saints

Game 11
Texans at Raiders
While the Raiders are good at raiding other people's homes, Texans are succeeding in all states of the Union, including California.

Pick: Texans

Game 12
Jaguars at Dolphins
I always thought cats were sort of afraid of the water. No matter...they won't be able to threaten the Dolphins who can swim wherever they please.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 13
Cowboys at Giants
Giants are huge and can step on things and that's usually the avenue I take when picking them...

Pick: Giants

Game 14
Bucs at Steelers
The Steelers are the rugged individuals of industry, the Bucs are the rugged individuals of the high seas. This game isn't on the high seas.

Pick: Steelers

Game 15
Seahawks at Broncos
The Broncos live a mile high in the Denver, The Seahawks can fly that high so it's no problem.

Pick: Seahawks

Game 16
Panthers at Eagles
The Panthers can't reach the Eagles nest. And when they fly, no chance.

Pick: Eagles

Alright, there you have it for Week 13. Good luck to you and your teams.

Last Week
9-7

Season
100-76

2006-11-21T19:06:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was proof of just how well the Balki System works. Balki and Larry were having problems with electricity so they passed the picks on to their Russian counterparts Andrei and Ivan and just like that...9 wins, 7 losses. A victory for the Balki System, albeit a marginal one. Nonetheless the proof is in the pudding or picking. Balki and Larry are back on track this week and ready to do some damage. The following was overheard in the Balki System offices this following this weekend's slate of games.

Balki: Oh, Cosin...I so happy we take week off from making picks. I had not seen Maryann in so long my marbles were turning the color of a goat's testicles when he has not been having with a woman.

Larry: I know what you mean Balki. Jennifer really made it worth my while to spend a weekend away from the television.

Balki: This weekend Maryann and I make plans to bake a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.

Larry: ...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?

Balki: Bingo!

Larry: Better not, buddy.

Balki: ...bummer.

Larry: Bitter, Balki?

Balki: You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby!

Larry: Balki, buddy, baby! Better be the best Balki you can be for betting the ball games! We need to pick winners! We can't fool around with Baking. Not with a full slate of games starting on Thursday.

Balki: But...

Larry: No buts...Just win, Balki!

END SCENE (some of which was lifted from actual show dialogue)

Now it's time to check out the slate for Week 12 and let the Balki System work its magic:

Game 1
Dolphins at Lions
Let's see...a Dolphin dried up laying in the Lion's den... on Thanksgiving no less! There's only one way to go here...

Pick: Lions

Game 2
Broncos at Chiefs
The Chiefs don't have much to be thankful for after the white man robbed them of their land and stuck them in Missouri. The Chiefs are at home and don't want to lose another bit of land to a bunch of horses.

Pick: Chiefs

Game 3
Buccaneers at Cowboys
The Bucs come a swashbucklin' into Texas but the Cowboy's come out a shootin'.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 4
Steelers at Ravens
Many of the Steelers didn't get the proper education and as a result are illiterate and have never read "The Raven". Which is quite the same because it's quite the harrowing tale.

Pick: Ravens

Game 5
Saints at Falcons

No matter how fast and high the Falcons can fly it's not as high as the exalted ruler the Saints answer to.

Pick: Saints

Game 6
Jaguars at Bills
I think Jaguars would eat a guy named Bill. Even if he were really likeable. I think I've used this reasoning somewhere before.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 7
Texans at Jets
Once again, the Texans stray far from home...New York to be exact and get burned up in the heat coming off the Jets.

Pick: Jets

Game 8
Bengals at Browns
A big fierce cat beats a color even if that color is worn by UPS guys.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Panthers at Redskins
The Panther raid on sacred Redskin ground might force the Skins to stay in their teepees until they leave.

Pick: Panthers

Game 10
Cardinals at Vikings
The pretty red bird is simply too oblivious to the debaucherous conquering ways of the Viking. The Vikings would be all conquering and stuff and the Cardinal would just be sitting there all defenseless like. You know what Imean.

Pick: Vikings

Game 11
49ers at Rams
The Rams may be charging full steam ahead at these gold miners but the 49ers probably have some pick axes with a bit of reach and they may not be afraid to use them.

Pick: 49ers (why not?)

Game 12
Raiders at Chargers
The Raiders enter San Diego covered in a whole lot of metal armor hell bent on pillaging the down but the Chargers are aware that the Raiders uniforms conduct electricity and are therefore easy targets.

Pick: Chargers

Game 13
Giants at Titans
Titans and Giants are virutally the same thing. They're both Mythological to some extent. I can't pick a tie though...

Pick: Giants

Game 14
Bears at Patriots
Everyone knows if you punch a bear in the nose they run away. Or is that a shark? Oh...I think that's a shark.

Pick: Bears

Game 15
Eagles at Colts
A healthy Colts is certainly more effective than an Eagle with it's head cut off.

Pick: Colts

Game 16
Packers at Seahawks
The Packers packed their raingear for the miserable weather of the pacific coast.

Pick: packers

Alright there you have it....The Balki System...Trudging along through another week. After going 9-7 last week Balki and Larry take their record to 91-69

2006-11-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Well, this week has not been so good at the Balki System. For some reason or another the internet connection is out at the office. Maybe it's because Larry forgot to pay the bill. He's been spending all of his money on hookers and blow instead of for practical purposes like bills, food, and more blow.

However, Balki did the sensible thing as he had enough money saved up and sent a telegram to his Russian Counterparts and stars of "Братья по-разному", (which translates into "Different Brothers") Andrei and Ivan. Here's how things went down when Andrei and Ivan received their telegram.
(I'm not sure which one is supposed to be wacky and different and which one is supposed to be straight laced so I wrote accordingly).

Andrei: , который стартует на канале РЕН ТВ в начале нового телесезона, оказалась.

Ivan: днако в один прекрасный день, подобно грому среди ясного неба, к нему!

Andrei: день?

Ivan: городского и природного восприятия жизни, особенности национального менталитета, бытовая сметка Ивана и житейская неуклюжесть Андрея, приводят к невероятным коллизиям и сюжетным хи.

Andrei: самого широкого круга зрителей.

Ivan: людьми и...

Andrei: людьми и столичного воспитания, он, скорее, похож на большого ребенка.

Ivan: реалиях современной московской жизни. У себя в ауле Иван работал чабаном в колхозе.

Andrei: Братья начинают жить в одной квартире и вместе работать в магази.

Ivan: комичных и сложных ситуаций, которые, зачастую, сами же и создают!

END SCENE

Now onto the Week 11 Picks:

Game 1
Ravens at Falcons
In former Soviet Union Ravens are stronger than Falcons.

Pick: Ravens

Game 2
Bills at Texans
In former Soviet Union there is no Texas but there is a Georgia.

Pick: Bills

Game 3
Bears at Jets
In former Soviet Union we had Missiles with Jets pointed at both New York and Chicago. But in Russia Bear is national symbol of strength.

Pick: Bears

Game 4
Bengals at Saints
In former Soviet Union we practice Russian Orthodox religion and have many Saints but no Bengal Tiger.

Pick: Saints

Game 5
Dolphins at Vikings
In former Soviet Union water is too cold for Dolphins but we are not so far from where the Vikings live.

Pick: Vikings

Game 6
Patriots at Packers
In former Soviet Union we were not so patriotic under oppressive communist system. Now we have freedom... and we no want to pack up and leave. What a country!

Pick: Patriots

Game 7
Raiders at Chiefs
In former Soviet Union, KGB Chief keep watchful eye over everyone. He is gone now.

Pick: Raiders

Game 8
Steelers at Browns
In former Soviet Union Steel Workers were important part of Country but had no benefits. Now under new Capitalist system steel workers be making nicer money with shorter hours.

Pick: Steelers

Game 9
Rams at Panthers
In former Soviet Union during World War 2 soldiers fight off Nazis driving Panther tanks ramming them into the ground.

Pick: Rams

Game 10
Titans at Eagles
In former Soviet Union we do not believe in greek mythology.

Pick: Eagles

Game 11
Redskins at Buccaneers
In former Soviet Union, Red is a color of pride.

Pick: Redskins

Game 12
Lions at Cardinals
Cardinal is Red Bird. We talk about this last game.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 13
Seahawks at 49ers
In former Soviet Russia if you find gold government take it away. Now you keep it. Also, 49ers have red uniforms.

Pick: 49ers

Game 14
Colts at Cowboys
In former Soviet Union were not allowed to see American Yankee Cowboy Movies with John Wayne but now like very much.

Pick; Cowboys

Game 15
Chargers at Broncos
In former Soviet Union most things not run by electricity. We even get transported by horse but now we are very much having electricity.

Pick: Chargers

Game 16
Giants at Jaguars
In former Soviet Russia we believed that all of the people together are better than one Giant but now we all want make money and be independent and wealthy. We have not seen any Jaguars.

Pick: Giants

Last week Comrades Balki and Larry go with 10 wins and 6 losses. Bringing they're season total to 82-62.

Good luck to our picks for them.

2006-11-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

Another week down to the wire with the Balki System. Last week Larry and Balki waited until Sunday to make their picks and well, they only broke even. That's okay though, since the Balki System doesn't really rely on any knowledge and really the picks can be made as soon as the NFL schedule comes out several months before the season. That's the beauty of the Balki Season. As it were...Sundays picks have yet to be made... The following was overheard at the Balki System offices.

Larry: Balki...You've really gotten lazy with these picks. The last 2 weeks you've let it go down to the wire.

Balki: Oh Cosin Lari, you know worry. Everything will be okay. I make picks in a few minutes.

Larry: Balki the games will be on a few minutes.

Balki: Get out of the city...I know this. In Mypos we chave saying..."Never pick a sheep until you're sure". But of course we usually do traditional dance of joy and bibby bobka meal before picking our sheep.

Larry: Well then I'm ready to do the dance of Joy if you are.

Balki: You got it dude.

Larry: Balki, that's the wrong TGIF show.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous...

END SCENE

Week 10

Game 1
Ravens at Titans
Everytime those Titans try to score the Ravens open their beaks and say "Nevermore".

Pick: Ravens

Game 2
Bills at Colts
Horseys never get Bills delivered to their homes and when these Bills arrive they just sort of ignore them because horseys don't have credit to ruin.

Pick: Colts

Game 3
Browns at Falcons
The Browns are a color, The Falcons are a really fast bird. I think Falcons also have white poop, so the Browns don't really have any place here.

Pick: Falcons

Game 4
Packers at Vikings
The Packers pack their bags for Minnesota's dome thinking it's warm inside the dome and that they could wear shorts. However, they totally overlooked that they were playing Vikings and didn't bring anything other than shorts and t-shirts.

Pick: Vikings

Game 5
Texans at Jaguars
We all know what happens when Texans leave home...They're not in Texas anymore and thus must meagerly defend themselves against the elements of other states. This time they run into a pack of Jaguars in Florida. I don't like their chances.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 6
Chiefs at Dolphins
Chief isn't know for his mighty prowess on the high seas. He's more of an inland guy.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 7
Jets at Patriots
Remember when the Patriot Missile was knocking down all of those SCUDs. Well those were most likely propelled by Jets. However, so were the SCUDs. If it's a question of firepower I'd lean towards the Jets but those damn Patriots were just so efficient.

Pick: Patriots

Game 8
Chargers at Bengals
I've never thought about Bengals and Electricity before...I don't think Bengals have either. They're in for quite a shock.

Pick: Chargers

Game 9
49ers at Lions
Luckily on their Trip out west the 49ers never had to encounter Lions. Unfortunately they have to make a trip straight into the Lions den this weekend.

Pick: Lions

Game 10
Redskins at Eagles
When the Redskin goes into the Eagles home he is respectful and thus allows him to fly all over the place whenever he pleases.

Pick: Eagles

Game 11
Broncos at Raiders
The Raiders are only good when they raid. They are horrible hosts.

Pick: Broncos

Game 12
Saints at Steelers
The Saints go to visit the foul mouthed blue-collar steel workers and are completely apalled at their crassness. Instead of attempting to change their vulgar ways, they turn right back around in horror.

Pick: Steelers

Game 13
Cowboys at Cardinals
The Cowboys come into Cardinal land with their guns-ablazin' and since there's nothing else to shoot at...they open fire on them there cardinals in that there nest.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 14
Rams at Seahawks
Someone herded them sheep all the way to Seattle where it rains all of the time leaving the Rams with waterlogged wool sweater.

Pick: Seahawks

Game 15
Bears at Giants
The Giant is probably one of the only opponents equipped to beat the Bear. No matter how big the Bear, he'd probably only get to do a little ankle gnawing before the Giant flicks him off and steps on him.

Pick: Giants

Game 16
Bucs at Panthers
The Buccaneers leave the water and head inland to see a Panther about being lunch without the high seas as a defense mechanism.

Pick: Panthers

There you have it folks...The Balki System picks for Week 10. Good luck to you and all of your teams. Larry and Balki will certainly be pulling for you as long as you made the same picks.

Week 9 Results
7-7

Season
72-56

2006-11-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

Things really got down to the wire this week. Balki and Larry have been so relaxed they're letting things slide to the last minute. Which led to this exchange in the apartment of Balki and Cosin Larry Appleton.

Larry: Balki wake up. It's Sunday morning and we haven't made our football picks yet.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous, it's Saturday. We turned the day back last weekend.

Larry: Balki, we only roll the clock back an hour for daylight savings.

Balki: Get out of the city!

Larry: Balki this is serious, our whole income depends on Sunday afternoons.

Balki: Okay, don't get your sheep in a panic...dis will be as easy as bibby bobka. You don't worry about a thing Cosin Larry Appleton.

Larry: (shoves newspaper in the balki's face) You look at the games. I'll call the bookie.

Balki: I don't see want called a man who likes books has to do with it.

Larry: (gives angry misunderstanding face) Just make the picks and I'll handle the arrangements.

Balki: Okay Cosin, I do it.

END SCENE

Game 1
Texans at Giants
The Texans always get lost in any other place than Texas.

Pick: Giants

Game 2
Saints at Buccaneers

The Saints come into the Bucs home on somewhat of a religious mission. Unfortunately, the only religion the Bucs care about involves Rum and the High Seas.

Pick: Bucs

Game 3
Packers at Bills

The Packers are packed up and ready to go to Buffalo but they only brought fall attire. However, the weather can be unpredictable in Buffalo this time of year. It can be sunny and 50 or it can snow 2 feet on you. There's no way to pack for that.

Pick: Bills

Game 4
Cowboys at Redskins

The white man forced the native americans from their homes and forced them to move into a small stadium in our nation's capital so that they could keep an eye on them.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 5
Dolphins at Bears

There is no way a Dolphin could go into a bear cave and make it out alive. I mean besides the fact that there is no physical way the Dolphin could actually make the trip, the Dolphins has no water to swim in. Poor Dolphin.

Pick: Bear

Game 6
Titans at Jaguars

I couldn't really see Harry Hamlin facing off with a Jaguar and making it out alive.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 7
Falcons at Lions

When a Falcon visits the King of the Jungle at home he must be a respectful guest or risk winding up as dinner...or lunch depending on the time.

Pick: Lions

Game 8
Bengals at Ravens

Ravens have been known to feed on berries, eggs, insects, and rotting flesh. Bengals have been known to at times prey on a hippo or elephant making the Bengal more fearsome. Plus, they've been known to be able to drag things that up to 13 men can't move. That's a lot of strength. Sorry Raven.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Broncos at Steelers

I can see the Broncos making it to steel town, but I can't see them getting into the factory where the steel making magic happens. Horses are all legs and no opposable thumbs.

Pick: Steelers

Game 10
Chiefs at Rams

Chief Running Water feels at harmony with the land and all of it's animals, including the Ram. He is a man of nature and respects all of its creatures.

Pick: Chiefs

Game 11
Vikings at 49ers

The Vikings are known for conquering and the 49ers are known for looking for gold. I say the Vikings come into 49er territory, and do some conquering as well as some stealing of 49er gold.

Pick: Vikings

Game 12
Browns at Chargers

Chargers electrical current versus the color Brown. I go with the electrical current. Cleveland should of thought of this before naming their team after a color.

Pick: Chargers

Game 13
Colts at Patriots

The Americans vs. The Horseys. Well, hmm...Paul Revere rode a horsey to warn everyone that the British were coming so I'll go with the Patriots because they can ride Horseys.

Pick: Patriots

Game 14
Raiders at Seahawks

The Raiders come into Seahawk land only to realize that them pesky Seahawks are all the way up in the sky and kind of hard targets with all of that moving around and flying they do.

Pick: Seahawks

Okay folks there you have it. We're ready for another week of football. After a 7-7 week last week Balki and Larry are looking for another big week to sate their thirst for extravagant things. Let's hope it works out.
Week 8 Picks 7-7

Season
65-49

2006-10-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Balki has outdone himself once again...sure this week he just barely squeaked out a winning record but nonetheless three straight weeks with a winning record is nothing to shake a sheep at. People from around the world are checking in with the Balki System after the string of upsets he predicted last week. Who else predicted that the Bucs, Vikings, Packers, Bengals and Giants would all win last week. You'd be hard pressed to find an expert who could lay claim to such clairvoyance.

Psychic abilities aside...Larry is so confident about Balki's method that he's thinking of making Balki teach his method in a class at the Learning Annex. Teaching offers aside, Balki would rather just go on a picnic with MaryAnn, he doesn't see what all the hubbub is about.

The Following was overheard at the Balki System offices:

Balki: Cosin' Larry, I go on picnic with MaryAnn today.

Larry: No, Balki, you can't. We've gotta pitch your system as a class to the learning annex.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous. I only teach the system for you so we make maney and we share our weenings with the girls. I don't want to make a quick buck off some sad sheep.

Larry: Balki, we can take this thing far. You can get people following your method and we could write a book and get totally rich.

Balki: Cosin' I think you are letting this money go to your head...

Larry: Listen Balki, don't mess this up for me. I'm the guy who took you in even though I have no idea who you actually are.

Balki: Ok cousin, now you have started to hurt my feelings. In Mypos, when someone hurts someone's feeling we apologize and let the person kick us in the tenticles.

Larry: Well you're not kicking me in the tenticles. You're going to sit right down and make these picks so we can keep getting rich. (Grabs Balki by the arm)

Balki: Cosin' Larry get out of the city, you are hurting me.

Larry: Sit down, and make us some money.

Balki: (crying) Cosin' why you so mean to me...

Larry: Your my cash cow, Mypos...Now get to work.

Balki: Oh cosin' (crying) You are being ridiculous...I no longer do the dance of joy only the dance of sadness. I will never make picks again.

Larry: What? Uh...Okay...Sorry Balki...I may have said things I didn't mean. I got a little out of hand... I'm sorry. You're my cousin and I love you.

Balki and Larry Make Nice

Balki: Oh cousin Larry you mean that.

Larry: I'm sorry I hurt you.

Balki: Okay, I make picks now, then I go meet MaryAnn.

Larry: Excellent, pick us some winners.

END SCENE Week 8 Picks Game 1 Cardinals at Packers
The Cardinals fly into the Packers home which is all just a bunch of boxes on a loading dock. The Cardinals have no branches to perch on. It would be another thing if they were playing The Trees.

Pick: Packers

Game 2 Falcons at Bengals
Instance #2832 of Birds versus Cats this season and usually I just give it to the big aggressive cat, even if the bird is a fast agressive bird like a falcon just because I'm more scared of Bengal tigers than falcons.

Pick: Falcons
Game 3 Ravens at Saints
Again a bird flies into God's house and pesters the righteous ones but alas the Bird can not escape without a little mercy.

Pick: Saints

Game 4 Texans at Titans
We're not in Texas anymore...We're in Tennessee.

Pick: Titans

Game 5 Jaguars at Eagles
Cats and birds, Cats and birds, cats and birds. Wow, This is no Sylvester and Tweety matchup. These Eagles have some serious Talons and as to paraphrase John Ashcroft...Those Eagles can soar.

Pick: Eagles
Game 6 Seahawks at Chiefs
Chief is expert with arrow. Shoots down strange bird not native to these lands.

Pick: Chiefs
Game 7 49ers at Bears
I think we've settled on this at this point that no matter who enters the bear's den, they're pretty much dead meat.

Pick: Bears
Game 8 Bucs at Giants
Them Thar Bucs get off their pirate ship and head up the beanstalk where the only treasure is the some freeze dried vegetables.

Pick: Giants

Game 9 Rams at Chargers
When Rams run into power lines I'd say they're pretty vulnerable to electrocution.

Pick: Chargeres
Game 10 Colts at Broncos
Horsey Bowl 2006. The Colts open the door do the Bucking Broncos home stable and get kicked in the face.

Pick: Broncos

Game 11 Jets at Browns
Once again the color Brown loses. This time to technology.

Pick: Jets

Game 12 Steelers at Raiders
The Raiders are Stealers, but the Steelers aren't Raiders. The Raiders steal this one at home.

Pick: Raiders

Game 13 Cowboys at Panthers
Mmm, Cowboy meat taste good to the big, fierce cats.

Pick: Panthers

Game 14 Patriots at Vikings
When you're on the high seas, no one cares which country is your favorite.

Pick: Vikings

There you have it...The picks for week 8. Balki's been winning so I would heed his word would I were you. But I'm not you so you do what you want.

Week 6 Pick 7-6 Season 58-42

2006-10-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Balki and Larry started doing the Dance of Joy 2 weeks ago and they haven't stopped as the Balki System enjoyed a 3rd straight week of success, making 11 correct picks out of 13 games. Not only did Balki and Larry earn their keep, they decided to share the wealth with Jennifer and MaryAnn. The following was overheard in the offices of The Balki System.

Balki: Cosin' Larry! Cosin' Larry!

Larry: Hey Balki. How is my favorite Gridiron handicappin' cousin?

Balki: I am waaaanderful because I went out and bought the most waanderful outfits for Maryann, Jennifer, and us.

Larry: What did you do?

Balki: Look I bought us these wonderful football uniforms for the success on the football we are having. We can walk around with the girls looking like the chaaattest team around the city.

Larry: Balki, these are baseball uniforms.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous..

Larry: Balki, haven't you been watching the games. Don't you know what football uniforms look like.

Balki: Like this...

Larry: Balki, football isn't the game where they hit the ball over the fence, it's the one where they dance in the end zone.

Balki: Get out of the city! Why do they call that football, I never see them kick it except on the fourth play
.
Larry: They use their feet even less in baseball.

Balki: Well you have got a point there Cosin'.

Larry: Aaah, what the heck, give me my Jersey. Let's go show the girls.

END SCENE

Alright, Time for Week 7 picks as the Balki System tries to go for another successful outing:

Game 1
Panthers at Bengals
Logic: Well this one seems like a tossup. It's Feline Bowl 2006 but seeing as I did some reading up on Bengals and found out that they've been known to pay on other predators such as Leopards, that makes them pretty bad ass.

Pick: Bengals

Game 2
Lions at Jets
Logic: Jets are faster than Lions.

Pick: Jets

Game 3
Packers at Dolphins
Logic: The Packers took a nice trip to Miami and they packed their bathing suit so that they can swim with the Dolphins. They're prepared for this meeting.

Pick: Packers

Game 4
Jaguars at Texans
Logic: Jaguars don't really care where the people they eat live.

Pick: Jags

Game 5
Patriots at Bills
Logic: Patriots love America, America is all about Earning those Bills. You're nobody in american without them.

Pick: Bills

Game 6
Eagles at Buccaneers
Logic: Parrots are the only birds welcome on the Pirate Ship.

Pick: Bucs

Game 7
Steelers at Falcons
Logic: When The Steelers travel to the Falcons dome home they notice that it's made of plenty of reinforced steel that they mined. The Steelers feel right at home.

Pick: Steelers

Game 8
Chargers at Chiefs
Logic: The Chief knows that when the lightning strikes the gods are angry. The Chiefs make an offering to the gods by handing them the football and letting them score...a lot.

Pick: Chargers

Game 9
Broncos at Browns
The color Brown versus a Bucking Bronco....eh, not much of a match.

Pick: Broncos

Game 10
Cardinals at Raiders
Logic: The Raiders are known for taking over other people's homes. When they're at home they like to relax and enjoy the view...even if a Cardinal flies in the window it's no bother.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 11
Vikings at Seahawks
Logic: The Vikings are men of the sea. They'll feel right at home at the Seahawks home confines.

Pick: Vikings

Game 12
Redskins at Colts
Logic: I could see our nation's capitol's favorite tribe jumping on some horseys and riding into the sunset.

Pick: Redskins

Game 13
Giants at Cowboys
Logic: I'm not so sure that the Cowboys have lassos big enough to reel in the Giants.

Pick: Giants.

Okay, there you have it, the week 7 picks. We're on a roll and we're looking to stay on one. So good luck to you and your teams.

Week 6 Picks
11-2

Season
51-36

2006-10-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

The Dance of Joy is in order! The Balki System is finally getting on track with a phenomenal 11 Win 3 Loss performance in Week 5. Cousin Larry and Balki have left their log cabin hideout and no longer have to worry about the Vanucci Brothers breaking their legs. It's a regular reversal of fortune. But you can't say Balki didn't see it coming. If you read last week's post Balki predicted this would be a big week and was it ever. I guess it takes a couple of weeks for the system to work out all of the kinks. There has been a collective sigh at relieve over here at the Balki System offices as Cousin Larry and Balki returned from their gambling induced exile to make this week's picks. The following was overheard in the offices of the Balki System this week.

After a succesful week of Picks Balki and Larry bought some fancy new sweaters to go with their new outlook

Larry: Boy, Balki it is good to be back.

Balki: What am I been tell you Cosin Lari...everything be work out for the best.

Larry: Yeah you know I guess you were right. You had me worried there for a bit but we're back on top and we can still think about taking Jennifer and MaryAnn to Hawaii.

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka we can.

Larry: I never should have doubted you Balk...

Balki: This is what I tell you because I am your Cosin and I would never be give you bad adwice.

Larry: Should we start packing for hawaii now?

Balki: Cosin, you can be packing but we still have many more weeks of the football season to be watching. I would no be doing the permanent dance of joy just yet.

Larry: I know I'm just excited we're out of that nasty debt.

Balki: (gravely) Cosin...There's one thing I forget to tell you last week...

Larry: What's that my masterful Myposian pigskin picking cousin?

Balki: Well in Mypos after we have very good week picking wins we usually follow it by poor performance and 11 wins is the most unlucky number of all in Mypos.

Larry: Oh great, now you tell me.

Balki: The day after my mother won 11 sheep races 11 of our chickens die.

Larry: So this means I still might get my legs broken if I bet this week?

Balki: You bet your bibby bobka!

END SCENE

Alright, Time for Week 6 Picks using the Balki System.

Game 1
Eagles at Saints

The Eagles are in God House and God's house is a dome so there's a limit on how high the Eagles can fly. Only the Saints have access to the heavens in this one.

Pick: Saints

Game 2
Seahawks at Rams
The Rams live too far inland for the Seahawks to make themselves at home. Being too far from the water, the Seahawks starve to death even if they never come into contact with the Rams.

Pick: Rams

Game 3
Giants at Falcons
The Last time the Giants went into a bird's home they proved that they can catch high flying bird's. This time should be no different since they're so big.

Pick: Giants

Game 4
Panthers at Ravens
Cats are known for their ability to climb trees. Raven's nest in trees. Is it me or are too many teams named after birds? Thank god the Browns are off this week.

Pick: Panthers

Game 5
Raiders at Broncos
The Raiders are known for Raiding people's homes but the Broncos home is a mile high. By the time the Raiders get up there they'll be out of breath and there's won't be enough air for them to catch it.

Pick: Broncos

Game 6
Bills at Lions
Bill gets eaten by a Lion plain and simple.

Pick: Lions

Game 7
Bengals at Buccaneers
Cats don't like water. The Buccaneers spend most of their time on a boat.

Pick: Buccaneers

Game 8
Texans at Cowboys
Both Texans and Cowboys hail from Texas but Texans are just people from Texas and Cowboys are cooler because they rope steer and drive herds yet still remain unfazed by the gay stigma.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 9
Titans at Redskins

The Titans are extinct descendents of gods that Native Americans didn't worship anyway.

Pick: Redskins

Game 10
Chiefs at Steelers

The Steel beast is all that remains in the place where the Chiefs used to call their home. They now have to live on a reservation in Kansas City where the white man can keep tabs on them.

Pick: Steelers

Game 11
Dolphins at Jets
Dolphins suck.

Pick: Jets

Game 12
Chargers at 49ers
If the 49ers had really been able to utilize electricity back then, there jobs would've been a whole lot easier

Pick: Chargers

Game 13
Bears at Cardinals

If we're referring to pitting a bear versus a tiny red bird, I'd have to favor the bear, but if we referring to pitting a big black bear versus a member of the clergy, well then I'd still have to take the bear,

Pick: Bears

Well there you have it. Not as descriptive as I would've liked it but sometimes writing this stuff is hard.

Anyway, here's where were are for the season

Week 5
11-3

Season
40-34

Good luck to cousin larry, balki, you, and your teams. See you in Week 7 on The Balki System.

2006-10-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

After being embarrassed a week ago, Balki is inching back to moderate respectability after last week's showing. You know it's a stretch when you have to modify a word that barely notes success like "respectability" with a an adjective that hints at mediocrity like "moderate". That being said....Baby steps.

The Balki System took Larry and Balki into seclusion last weekend as they hid from the bookies that Larry has been placing his bets with. While they're not out of the woods yet, Balki and Larry are optimistic that this week is the key to not getting their legs broken.

The following was overheard at the undisclosed log cabin retreat offices of the Balki System this week:

Balki and Larry after finding out last week's results

Larry: Balki, why are you doing the dance of joy?

Balki: (singing) Dai! Dai! Dai! Dai! Oh, Hi Cosin'Larry. I am so excited! We go 7 and 7 last week.

Larry: Balki, that's not good. We didn't win, we just broke even. We still owe the Vanucci Brothers money.

Balki: Why you be so negative...In Mypos whenever you follow up a losing showing with a medium job is cause for celebrating.

Larry: Did they ever break your legs after a losing showing in Mypos?

Balki: Don't be ridiculous, they would just kill your best goat?

Larry: Well I suppose that's comparable.

Balki: Don't be so down Cosin. In Mypos, whenever we went 7 and 7 with our sheep racing picks it was considered to be being the luckiest because 7 is the luckiest number of them all. I know we will rolling in the dollars next week and we will even get back to our apartment and see the girls.

Larry: Jennifer probably hates me by now.

Balki: Get out of the city!

Larry: We are out of the city.

Balki: Oh, Cosin. Let's look at this week's games.

END SCENE

Game 1 Bills at Bears

Logic: I don't care if you're Bill Clinton, you can't reason with an angry bear.

Pick: Bears
Game 2 Browns at Panthers

Logic: What can Brown do for you? They can deliver packages to countries all over the world on-time as promised. If they delivered a package to a Panther's home and it wasn't on time though...well you can imagine what would happen from there.

Pick: Panthers

Game 3 Lions at Vikings

Logic: The Lion is the King of the Jungle. However, the Vikings are at home and nobody said what happens when Lions leave the jungle.

Pick: Vikings
Game 4 Dolphins at Patriots

Logic: The Dolphins are a fish out of water in this matchup.

Pick: Patriots
Game 5 Rams at Packers

Logic: This just in, Rams are just male sheep. People can herd sheep. Packers are people. Unfortunately, they're not shepherds, they pack things.

Pick: Rams

Game 6 Buccaneers at Saints

Logic: Argh! Them thar Buccaneers don't care if the lord be on yer' side matey. They got themselves a bottle of rum and a sword. You can pray all you want, but they're taking all of the Saints booty.

Pick: Buccaneers

Game 7 Titans at Colts

Logic: The Titans sound like a 3rd rate condom while Colt 45 is a first rate malt liquor.

Pick: Colt 45....er, Colts

Game 8 Redskins at Giants

Logic: Red Skin denotes sunburn. It hurts to touch stuff went you have sunburn. I couldn't imagine playing football with a Giant while nursing a mean sunburn.

Pick: Giants

Game 9 Chiefs at Cardinals

Logic: uh....The Tribal Chiefs eventually get tired of hunting for Titonka and sometimes prefer the lighter protein filled fare that is Roasted Cardinal

Pick: Chiefs

Game 10 Jets at Jaguars

Logic: Jaguars don't fly on Jets nor could they eat them. And if they tried they'd probably have a mighty belly ache not to mention some chipped teeth.

Pick: Jets

Game 11 Raiders at 49ers

Logic: The Raiders invade the Gold Mines of San Francisco and pillage the crap out of them, because that's what Raiders do. They raid.

Pick: Raiders

Game 12 Cowboys at Eagles

Logic: Cowboys visiting Eagles in their natural habitat are more likely to look on in awe at their majesty than attempt to harm them. They're both as American as apple pie.

Pick: Eagles

Game 13 Steelers at Chargers

Logic: I would keep steel as far away as possible from an electrical current.
Pick: Chargers

Game 14 Ravens at Broncos

Logic: Uh...This is a tough one. The Ravens are known for there "ravenous" appetite while Broncos are known for being untamed. Ravens typically feed on rotting flesh. The Broncos are not rotting flesh but they could be if they were attacked by a Lion. Luckily for the Broncos there are no Lions in this situation.

Pick: Broncos

Alright, there you have it, the picks for Week 5 of the Balki System. Balki has a Myposian hunch that this week is going to be a huge success. Perhaps you should follow Balki's lead and wager all of your hard earned dough on these picks. Cousin Larry certainly will. Hopefully, nobody ends up with their legs broken.

Week 4 Results 7-7

Season 29-31

2006-09-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

This week on the Balki system, Balki is very sad because Cousin Larry did not have such a good week and the Vinucci Bros. sports book threatened to break Cousin Larry’s legs because the Balki System just flat out didn’t work last week with a record of 5 Wins and 9 Losses. Luckily for him there wasn’t a full 16 game slate or it could’ve gotten ugly.

In any case, Balki is determined to help you and Cousin Larry get back on your collective feet. I swear he is. Just listen to what was overheard at the Balki System office this week:

Cousin Larry: Balki, I think I have to stop gambling. The Vinucci Brothers said they’re going to break my legs.

Balki: Oh Cosin don’t be ridiculous…the Vinchichi brothers are not going to break your legs. Get out of the city.

Cousin Larry: That’s good advice maybe I should get out of the city. Let’s get Jennifer and Mary Ann and leave until this whole thing blows over.

Balki: Don’t be ridiculous Cousin Larry! We are not be getting out of the city! You know why?!

Cousin Larry: Why?

Balki: Because my mama always told me if you no be succeed…you keep trying to you win again!

Cousin Larry: Balki, if I don’t succeed in leaving town they’re going break both my legs in succession.

Balki: Oh Cosin, Where you going to go? Just relax, everything is okay. We gamble this weekend and everything fixes itself? I tell you Balki system just takes time to prove itself.

END SCENE

And with that, once more in Week 4

Game 1
Cardinals at Falcons
Logic: The Cardinals are a pretty red-bird that eats seeds. The Falcons are the Fastest bird on earth.

Pick: Falcons

Game 2
Cowboys at Titans

Logic: Maybe I’ve been thinking about this Titan thing all wrong, Titans were a deities that preceded the Olympians. They’re not even good enough to be Olympians and most Olympians are amateurs. Maybe the Titans are just lower than amateurs.

Pick: Cowboys

Game 3
Colts at Jets

Logic: Colts are fast horseys, but not as fast as Jets.

Pick: Jets

Game 4
Dolphins at Texans
Logic: Dolphins
Dolphins in Texas? You bet, the only dolphin species to be found in Texas is the Atlantic Spotted Dolphin and guess what, it’s a threatened species.

Pick: Texans

Game 5
Vikings at Bills

Logic: Now that the everyone’s using Capital One cards and don’t have to worry about exorbitant credit cart Bills the Vikings had to go get real jobs and talk about it in annoying commercials.

Pick: Bills

Game 6
Saints at Panthers

Logic: The Saints may be blessed with Jesus love but the Panthers are blessed with Claws and Sharp teeth.

Pick: Panthers

Game 7
Chargers at Ravens

Logic: In the battle of a bird versus and electrical current, I’ll take the voltage every time.

Pick: Chargers

Game 8
49ers at Chiefs

Logic: On their out West the 49ers had to pass through the territory of many a proud tribe, but hey, they made it out there so I guess they were successful otherwise the gold rush would’ve been stopped dead in it’s tracks.

Pick: 49ers

Game 9
Lions at Rams

Logic: I don’t care where they fight, or how big the Ram’s horns are…The Lion is eating him.
Pick: Lions

Game 10
Browns at Raiders

Logic: The Raiders will be taking on the color Brown only when it’s over, the Raiders will be covered in Brown and look like they pooped all over themselvese.

Pick: Browns..Really? Sure.)

Game 11
Jaguars at Redskins

Logic: The Jaguars invade the reservation, and I’ve never heard of any Native Americans wearing a Jaguar-skin coat. It’s always Titonka.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 12
Patriots over Bengals

Logic: If Bengal tigers were roaming North America at the time of the Revolutionary war, I think the Brits might never have come. They’re not as easy to tax.

Pick: Bengals

Game 13
Seahawks at Bears

Logic: I’m not sure a bear would fare that well by the Sea but as long as the Seahawk is coming to them, I’d believe the Bear is going to defend his territory. Just look at that Grizzly man guy. If that guy had just been at home, the bears probably would’ve never bothered him.

Pick: Bears

Game 14
Packers at Eagles

Logic: The Packers packed guns this time along with a bagged lunch, but it’s illegal to shoot Eagles. So, they’ll just have to concentrate on eating their lunch while the majestic Eagle flies around above.

Alright, there you have it. The Balki System for Week 4. Let’s hope Balki has a better week of picks and Larry’s legs stay in tact. Have a good week and may all your favorite teams win.

Week 3 Results
5—9

Season Total
22-24

2006-09-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

Everything seems to be coming together here at The Balki System. After a mediocre week 1 record of 8-8, Balki's system is slowly but surely proving to be moderately successful. What am I talking about? Well Balki's system went an astounding 9-7 last week. Yes folks, Balki has helped Cousin Larry have his first winning week since the episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki first explained his foolproof system.

People from all around the world are now seeking Balki's council including Balki's old friend from Detroit, Detective Axel Foley, who stopped by for some advice on Football picks and to track down the guys that killed his friend Mikey.

Special Blog Visitor and Detroit Lions Fan Axel Foley

The following was overheard this week at the offices of The Balki System

Axel: Hey, I'm looking for my friend Jenny.

Balki: Oh, Achmel. How you doing, because I am worrying about you all these years?

Axel: Serge how's it going?

Balki: My name is no Serge anymore. It's Balki.

Axel: Oh right, I forgot about that show you did after I came to Beverly Hills.

Balki: Is okay Achwel. Its water under the sewer because for old friend like you only come around once in a while.

Axel: So this is cool, you got this whole picks thing going, I dig it, kinda cool cat gambling operation, I dig it. But you know I'm a cop so I can bust your ass (Axel Foley laugh).

Balki: Oh no you don't be doing that. Don't be ridiculous. What can I doing for my Achmel?

Axel: Look Balki, I need your help, I'm looking for my friend Jenny. These guys killed my friend Mikey and I think her boss Victor Maitlin might be involved and I think they might be running drugs too.

Balki: Oh Achmel, I no know how I can help because I am just make magical football picks now. You friend Billy come in all the time with Taggart and ask my adwice.

Axel: Look at you, Mr. Vegas odds cat (Axel Foley laugh). Just do me one favor, don't pick against the Lions anymore, you're cursing them, they're 0-2 alright (Axel Foley laugh).

Balki: No, but I am not cursing them because I am only picking against them once to lose and once to win.

Axel: I'm just messing with you. All those cats I'm looking for are dead, I'm just coming down here because Rosewood told me you were doing this and I need some picks this week. Who looks good?

Balki: Okay, this is good because now I am showing you how to make picks using the patented Balki System.

(END SCENE)

And now without further to see, the picks for week 3:

Game 1
Panthers at Buccaneers

Logic:By the time the Panthers swim to the Buccaneers boat just off edge of Tampa they will be too tired to fend off the Bucs swashbucking prowess.

Pick: Buccaneers

Game 2
Bears at Vikings

Logic: More Animals, more boats. You don't want to come face to face with a bear anywhere. While everyone says that Bears are just afraid of you as you are of them, Balki says, "Don't be ridiculous."

Pick: Bears

Game 3
Bengals at Steelers

Logic: These Steelworkers keep getting put up against big nasty cats, luckily for them they are at home in the factory this week and I don't know much about Steelmaking but I know there's lots of heat, and the workers have to wear lots of protection. Protection that they won't be giving the Bengals tigers access to.

Pick: Steelers

Game 4
Packers at Lions
Good for the Packers, they Packed their things and they finally have somewhere to go. What did they Pack? Probably some cheese and some beer and some bratwursts that are native to the Green Bay area. Oh look, they're having their picnic in the Lion's den. The Lion is hungry, Oh wait, he didn't go for the Cheese and Beer, he went for the people that packed them.

Pick: Lions

Game 5
Jaguars at Colts

Logic: This one is tough. Both of these animals are fast but I just read that the Jaguar is the largest and most powerful feline in the Western Hemisphere. That has to count for something. Also, and I quote from Wikipedia (which who knows if it's true) "The jaguar has developed an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats. This allows it to pierce the shells of armoured reptiles and to employ an unusual killing method with mammals: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain." That's pretty bad ass, I don't care whose home they are in.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 6
Jets at Bills

Logic: The Jets fly into Buffalo only to find that there's nothing worth seeing in Buffalo. People in Buffalo named Bill are still perfectly happy being there.

Pick: Bills

Game 7
Titans at Dolphins

Logic: The Titans of the tuna industry have sent huge fishing expeditions into the sea causing dolphins to get caught in nets.

Pick: Titans

Game 8
Redskins at Texans

Logic:The Tribe were defeated by some Cowboys in Dallas last week and still haven't been able to retreat out of state. They need to get the hell out of there.

Pick: Texans

Game 9
Ravens at Browns

Logic: Ravens have been known to feast on dog feces (wikipedia again!). Dog feces are brown. Somehow I think this is going to come up with whoever the Browns play. How can they win?

Pick: Ravens

Game 10
Giants at Seahawks

Logic: I think Seahawks might actually be a Navy plane. That being said, Giants can swat those things out of the sky. However, if it's a bird that has to swoop down to the ocean to eat some fish, Giants can catch them too.

Pick: Giants

Game 11
Eagles at 49ers

Really the Eagles and the 49ers have a lot in common. The Eagles are a proud symbol of America (i.e, The Bald Eagle) The 49ers went to California in 1849 to seek out fortune in and pursue the most American of dreams through rugged individualism. However, this individualism loses out because as we all know, there is no "I" in team and a nation United is more powerful than a bunch of idiots finding fools gold.

Pick: Eagles

Game 12
Rams at Cardinals

Logic: Sure a Cardinal might think he was safe at home up in his nest. But keep in mind that Rams like to knock into things and are just as likely to bang those big horns into the tree and knock the Cardinal out of his nest. Also, this game is being played close to the Jewish Holidays and people are going to be blowing their Shofars (Rams horns) all over the place. So not only do the rams have horns, but they've got the Hebrew peoples on their side.

pick: Rams

Game 13
Denver at Patriots

Logic: Paul Revere was a Patriot. He loved his country so much that he rode a horse to alert everyone that the British were coming. What kind of horse was it? Hell if I know. But it was a horse and so is a Bronco, so by that logic...Patriots know how to control horseys.

Pick: Patriots

Game 14
Falcons at Saints
Logic: The Saints are at home in God's house (The Superdome) for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. The Lord shall reward them for their patience and faith that their Church of Football would be restored

Pick: Saints

Okay folks, there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 3. Good luck to you, Cousin Larry and Axel Foley. If Balki is wrong Axel might come back and bust him for running an illegal gambling and prostitution ring. I know what you're thinking..."What prostitution ring?" Don't worry your pretty little head about it? Let's just say goats aren't the only beautiful creatures born and bred in Mypos.

Balki's Week 2 Results
9-7

Balki's Season
17-15

2006-09-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

Well we're one week into the Season and The Balki System is an even 8-8 (7-9 if you're betting the spreads). Needless to say Cousin Larry is a little nervous about trusting Balki's Myposian logic. I overheard this conversation Tuesday morning in the offices of The Balki System:

Cousin Larry: Jeez, Balki. I don't think this is going to work. We're 8 and 8. Your plan sounds good in theory but you've never actually seen a football game and I think that hurts us in the long run. I think I'm going to go with those other experts.

Balki: Don't be ridiculous Cosin Larry. We are just starting to catch on the fireplace! We will be winning so much that we can be afford to fly to Mypos and buy three years supply of bibby bobkas. Of course, Bibby bobkas are very cheap in Mypos but the goats don't give them up very easily.

Cousin Larry: Balki, if we win this pool, we're not going to Mypos, we're taking the girls to Hawaii.

Balki: I don't know Cosin...I do not think you can get bibby bobkas in Hawaii.

Cousin Larry: (gives Balki the "we're so different and we'll never understand each other because we're Perfect Strangers but you're still kind of my cousin" face). You know what Balki, I have a feeling we might just take home the bacon this week.

Balki: Okay but I no sharing my pillow with no pig.

Cousin Larry: (makes face again cut to commercial which was odd seeing as this happened in offices of The Balki System and all of the employees ceased to exist while 60 seconds of commercials took up the office space).

Anyway, Cousin Larry still has faith in The Balki System and you should too. 8 and 8 is not a bad start, especially when all of those teams have been hibernating for the past 7 months. Their muscles had all but atrophied making it impossible to know whether a Jet could beat a Titan or a Falcon could beat a Panther. It was a toss up but now they're all warmed up and ready to go, so without further ado, the Week 2 picks using The Balki System:

Game 1
Raiders at Ravens

Logic: Raiders come into peoples homes and take their things. The Ravens are going to be at home this weekend so they better lock their nests because the Raiders are coming to take things.

Pick: Raiders

Game 2
Bills at Dolphins

Logic: If you're trying to pay your Bills while swimming with Dolphins. I hate to tell you this but it just ain't gonna work. If you're paying your bills online and swimming with the Dolphins you might also break your computer.

Pick:Dolphins

Game 3
Panthers at Vikings

Logic: Vikings mostly live on boats. If I were a Viking I wouldn't want to be alone on a boat with a Panther.

Pick: Panthers

Game 4
Browns at Bengals

Logic: Bengals will eat anything even if it's Brown, be it it's own poop or a Wildebeest carcass.

Pick: Bengals

Game 5
Lions at Bears

Logic: I would not want to be a Lion walking into a bear cave after he's been hibernating. He's been sleeping all those months he's going to be cranky and hungry.

Pick: Bears

Game 6
Texans at Colts

Logic: Texans know how to ride horses and handle their guns.

Pick: Texans

Game 7
Saints at Packers

Logic: Those Packers are always packing things up. Why are they packing if they are at home? What are they running away from? Did someone tell them to get out of the city? If they're going somewhere the Saints might show up with no one to play.

Pick: Saints

Game 8
Giants at Eagles

Logic: I would think that every time a big slow Giant would try to catch an eagle it would just fly away. A Giant may be tall but I think the Eagle can fly higher.

Pick: Eagles

Game 9
Buccaneers at Falcons

Logic: The Buccaneers may be Pirates that say "Argh!" and "Shiver me timbers" but if you do that on land or in a Falcon's nest everyone thinks you are just plain crazy.

Pick: Falcons

Game 10
Cardinals at Seahawks

Logic: The Seahawks and Cardinals are both birds but Seahawks have to be agressive to live off of the ocean. When the passive Cardinal is in the Seahawks realm they are ill equipped to make due. Yes, this one was a huge stretch.

Pick: Seahawks

Game 11
Rams at 49ers

Logic: The 49ers are busy looking for gold. The Rams are just looking to knock heads with something.

Pick: Rams

Game 12
Chiefs at Broncos

Logic: A Bucking Bronco knocked Chief Running Water off of his saddle and poor Chief Running Water got a concussion.

Pick: Broncos

Game 13
Patriots at Jets

Logic: I don't care how patriotic you are if someone sends something jet-propelled directly at you. You will run away.

Pick: Jets

Game 14
Titans at Chargers (lightning bolts)

Logic: Titans are mythological Greek Giants who were taken down by Zeus and that guy practically spewed lightning bolts.

Pick: Chargers

Game 15
Washington at Dallas

Logic: I loves me a good old fashioned politically incorrect game of Cowboys and Indians. This one takes place on the ranch. The General Custers will get the last laugh over the Sitting Bulls in this battle though I'm aware that that battle took place nowhere near Texas and it's pretty much an irrelevant metaphor.

Pick: Dallas

Game 16:
Steelers at Jaguars

Logic: At the outset of the industrialization the Steel Industry was just one of the big industries that sprung up factories causing the development of cities, chasing out animals such as Jaguars and forcing them to inhabit what litle wilderness remained. When the Steel Workers wander into Jaguar territory this weekend, these disenfranchised cats take their revenge.

Pick: Jaguars

Well there you have it, The Balki System picks for Week 2 of the NFL Season. Good luck to you and to Cousin Larry in your betting endeavors as we try to improve on Week 1's 8-8 start. May you all do the dance of joy.

2006-09-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

Cousin Larry needs help making picks for his work football pool and so do you. Who better to help you than that Meaposian Master of Pigskin Prognostication, Balki Bartokomous.

If you have no idea what I'm referring to than you've never seen Perfect Strangers and perhaps you should move along. If you're still here than maybe you remember a certain episode of everyone's favorite 80's ABC Sitcom "Perfect Strangers" in which Larry (played by Mark Linn Baker) has to make Football picks and Balki (not played by an actor but actually played by himself a former Goat Herder from land of Meapos) uses his own form of logic to help him make winning football picks.

This logic is as follows using a random example:
Bengals vs. Cardinals - who would win in a fight or if they went head to head A Bengal Tiger or a little chirpy Cardinal. My money is on the Bengals.

Of course this process always becomes difficult with certain teams like the Saints who would seem to have the power of God on their side but when face to face with a Lion armed only with the weapon of faith might need a few more miracles to pull something out.

That's what this blog, The Balki System is all about...helping you make winning football picks using Balki's foolproof method. Winning your office pool, therefore causing you to do the dance of joy!

So seeing as week 1 is upon us, let's get into it:
Game 1

Dolphins vs. Steelers
Logic: Dolphins are perhaps the smartest mammals on the planet. They speak their own language (audibles) that most Steel Workers cannot understand. Nevermind that Dolphins live in an entirely different element than Steel Workers and the Steel Workers are at home. Dolphins are smart enough to make that work for them, plus did you see Jaws 3? Didn't dolphins have something to do with putting the Kaybosh on that evil Great White Monster? I might be wrong about that one. Anyway, Roethlisberger is out for the game with appendicitis.

Pick: Dolphins

Game 2:
Buccaneers vs. Ravens
Logic: The Buccaneers are Pirates. The Ravens are a bird. It's extremely hard to go against a Pirate. They're ruthless and say things like "Shiver me timbers" and "Argh!" and drink rum. The Ravens only say "nevermore".

Pick:Buccaneers

Game 3:
Saints vs. Browns
Logic: God is on the Saints side. However, The Saints are not in God's house also known as the Superdome. Brown is a color. This is a tough one, a lot of things are Brown. People, Trees, Puppies, Carpet, Wood paneling, fecal matter. However, I can't think of one brown thing that would beat having God on your side. Especially if you're playing like fecal matter.

Pick: Saints

Game 4:
Falcons vs. Panthers
Logic: Another no brainer in regards to a bird. The Panthers are at home in their den or wherever Panthers live and when a Falcon is in the den of a fierce cat like a Panther or even a puma for that matter but we're not talking about Pumas I guess, the Falcon is in more trouble than the Panther. If this one were fought in a Falcon nest it would be a whole different story...maybe.

Pick: Panthers

Game 5
Seattle vs. Detroit
Logic: The Seahawks are way too far inland, in fact nowhere near a sea and again it's the story of a Bird in a Lion's Den. However, it's going to be close because Matt Millen's team is involved.

Pick: Lions

Game 6
Eagles vs. Texans
Logic: As the old adage goes, don't mess with Texans...er...Texas. Most Texans own guns and can therefore shoot Eagles out of the sky.

Pick: Texans

Game 7
Jets vs. Titans
Logic: A Titan is definted as "any of the primordial giant gods who ruled the Earth until overthrown by Zeus", On one hand the fact that it took Zeus to overthrow the Titans is pretty bad ass. On the other hand I wonder with modern technology if all it would take to the throttle the Titans is something "Jet" powered. Hmmm...this one's a washout as far as I can tell. I'm going with the myth. Plus is in their house, aptly title Adelphia Coliseum, even though I think Adelphia is just the cable system.

Pick: Titans

Game 8
Bengals vs. Chiefs

Logic: Chief respects nature. Bengals are part of nature. Chief and his tribe hope to live in harmony with Bengal tiger. Sometimes Bengal tiger comes into village and eats small children.

Pick: Bengals

Game 9
Broncos vs. Rams
Logic: Rams are male sheep. Everyone knows sheep are followers and can't make decisions for themselves. However, Rams also have those big nasty looking horns and when they meet with a Bucking Bronco this makes for a fierce battle. Time to go to intangibles...Ram is also a verb meaning to force by heavy blows. A Bronco is a car in which OJ sped down the freeway with A.C. in.

Pick: Rams

Game 10
Bills Vs. Patriots
Logic: The Patriots are from New England, they're the original colonists, they love America. They're kind of like a mix between Pirates and Pilgrims. They raped the land, killed the Native Americans, and made this country their own. They eat Buffalo burgers for lunch after hunting them down.

Edge: Patriots

Game 11
Cowboys vs. Jaguars
Logic: This depends on what kind of Cowboy we're talking about since I don't think all Cowboys naturally carry guns and they've taken a reputation hit since Brokeback Mountain. If we're talking about the lassoing, "cowboys are frequenty secretly (fond of each other)" kind of Cowboy, this is quite the mismatch. Especially, since I don't think Jaguars will appreciate being lassoed. If the Cowboys were called the Poachers I might feel differently.

Pick: Jaguars

Game 12
Bears vs. Packers
Logic: Okay, a big grizzly bear vs. a guy who works on the loading dock. Moving right along

Pick: Bears

Game 13
49ers vs Cardinals
Logic: 49ers moved to California looking for gold in 1849. Now they're all dead. Cardinals are an ongoing species of bird. Really even if I put them on the same plane of existence they would probably just ignore each other. Really they're just interested in different things.

Pick: Cardinals

Game 14
Colts vs. Giants
Logic: Giants are huge. If they tried to ride a Colt, the Colt would be crushed. It would also take a lot of Colt 45 to get a Giant drunk.

Pick: Giants

Game 15
Vikings vs. Redskins
Logic: Let's forget for a second that Redskins is a politically incorrect term. If Leif Eriksson and his fellow Norsemen wandered onto the Reservation, they would most certainly be scalped or roasted over an open fire. Or Daniel Snyder would just buy them. Is it becoming apparent that I'm tired of coming up with reasons yet?

Pick: Redskins

Game 16
Chargers vs. Raiders
Logic: Lightning Bolts would electrocute Raiders. The Raiders are sort of Pirate-y pillagers right?

Pick: Chargers

Okay, that does it for The Balki System Week 1 picks. Check back next week to see How Cousin Larry did in his office pool. Also, if you have any comments, post away!